Dear Ellie: I鈥檓 a man, age 50, married for 21 years now. We have four kids, most of them grown-ups except for the youngest.
The love we initially had faded away over the years, but we decided to stay together so that we don鈥檛 break up the family. We鈥檙e both loyal but love and passion have been missing for many years. My problem is that my wife is on a wave cycle. For almost two weeks every month she鈥檚 the sweetest woman and I start feeling that we鈥檙e close and it鈥檚 safe for me to start falling in love with her all over again.
When I reach that high point of feelings and I鈥檓 ready to open up my heart again, she flips and becomes very nasty in the way she treats me. Any word I say or any move angers her even if it鈥檚 the slightest mistake. I become very careful about what to say or how to react to anything in her presence, fearing that she鈥檒l burst into anger. We spend around two weeks in this state and then she slowly goes back to being a nice, sweet woman again, tolerating and outgoing.
This cycle of emotions is destroying me and when she gets to that low point I feel sick, with no energy and no appetite for life. Sometimes I feel it鈥檚 not safe for my heart to open up again for her, because at one point she鈥檒l smash it when the high wave ends. This happened many times and it hurts every time.
We鈥檝e been like this ever since we got married, but initially I didn鈥檛 notice the wave cycle. Only with the passage of years was I able to figure it out and predict it accurately. I鈥檓 not sure what鈥檚 the professional solution here but she鈥檚 the woman that I loved and would like to fall in love with again.
I鈥檓 not giving up on this relationship yet, and I want to do everything that I can do to save it.
Please Help
You鈥檝e taken an important step just by giving the idea of hope a chance.
The next important step is to do some early research into this regular cycle of personality change. Once you have even a basic understanding of what鈥檚 involved physically, psychologically and emotionally in these 鈥渨aves鈥� of behaviour, you鈥檒l know what kind of professional therapy she鈥檒l need, if and when she agrees to it.
It鈥檚 an important, courageous step you鈥檝e taken instead of giving up on your wife, whose bound to be as troubled by these mood changes are you are. A quick Google search, as just one example, brought me to Bipolar Disorder on the Mayo Clinic site: It鈥檚 described as 鈥渁 mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression).
It鈥檚 usually treated with medications and psychological counselling (psychotherapy).
To see a psychotherapist for an actual diagnosis and treatment, whatever the cause, requires getting your wife to want to learn how to moderate her waves of mood and behaviour.
Talk to her during her period of calm and sweetness. Suggest that there may be ways for her to feel that way more often and assure her that you鈥檙e not blaming her for any mood changes.
You鈥檇 be wise to initially contact your family doctor for her to have an overall health check, in case there鈥檚 a medical basis to her ongoing 鈥渨aves.鈥�
Dear Ellie: My sister is very smart and runs her own very successful business. Her husband鈥檚 a creative guy who was doing well for a while, but since the pandemic his ideas haven鈥檛 been bought by the companies he pitched.
My sister loves him, their nine-year-old son adores him. But I feel badly that she has to carry all the responsibilities and workload to pay their bills.
How can I tell her that it鈥檚 unfair that she do everything for the business and cover his needs as well? She just paid to replace his old car.
Worried Sister
Say nothing. Instead, be supportive of her efforts and as an aunt to their son. She鈥檚 apparently not asking you for help, and as you said, she loves her husband. The COVID-19 pandemic has affected the incomes of countless people, including many involved in the arts and other creative fields. Your sister鈥檚 financial arrangements with her husband are her business.
Ellie鈥檚 tip of the day
Regular mood changes over years calls for a medical check and possibly for psychotherapy. Supporting a spouse through this shows true partnership.
Send relationship questions to [email protected]. Follow @ellieadvice.