Dear Ellie: I鈥檓 46 and suddenly alone. My husband, 49, active and energetic, died after a sudden massive heart attack last month. We had no children.
Now, it鈥檚 just me, struggling to accept the loneliness. I have my job, but since the pandemic, it鈥檚 been from home. There鈥檚 no one here to distract me from missing him.
I鈥檓 also angry at him, for not looking into his heart鈥檚 potential weakness due to his family鈥檚 heart disease history.
I have my parents to call or visit, but they鈥檙e so sad for me that I come away feeling distant from them to protect myself.
Someone suggested I attend a grief support group, but it鈥檚 too soon and too hard for me to sit with other hurt people and discuss my pain. I鈥檇 rather stay home staring at my walls.
I鈥檓 wondering: Is grief a matter of just waiting out time until you can manage to carry on again?
Or, is grief a state of mind you must will away?
Devastated Widow
Grief is a response within yourself. There鈥檚 been a dramatic loss of your closest person, the man you loved. The impact of such loss 鈥� especially when sudden and shocking 鈥� is felt emotionally, even physically in your body鈥檚 reactions, and socially, too, as it affects your behaviour with others.
Human behaviour experts will tell you that grief is a process. It can be acute for a short-term then return unexpectedly later. Or it can be prolonged and complicated over months or years. From Psychology Today: 鈥淲ithout help and support, such grief can lead to isolation and chronic loneliness.鈥�
That would be an even greater loss for you, giving up hope. At 46, you can鈥檛 give in to unrestrained despair.
Reach out for connections and help. Start with an individual grief counsellor, whether a pastoral counsellor, psychologist or psychotherapist.
Use the anger about your late husband鈥檚 underlying heart risk to give yourself some goal you care about 鈥� e.g. getting involved in learning more about advances in heart disease research.
Informing others can eventually save lives, and bring purpose/hope into your own life.
Contact any colleagues connected to your work, despite being on your own. They might鈥檝e heard something but not known how to respond. You need people for human exchange, distraction, and comfort.
Accept your parents鈥� natural sadness on your behalf, but tell them and yourself that you鈥檙e going to be alright, precisely because you have them in your life. They need you, and that鈥檚 part of the mutual contract in a family.
Your writing to this column is a first step of outreach. Take the next steps very soon, and include grief counselling as soon as possible, whether online or in person.
Dear Ellie: My son and daughter-in-law exclude me in their gatherings with her family on special occasions. It鈥檚 been happening for several years.
When he lived at home, I always had festive meals and celebrations for all holidays.
But our Thanksgiving is just three days away and he鈥檚 not invited me, though I divorced five years ago. He knows I have to rely on friends when I should be with family.
Shut Out
There鈥檚 more to this story, perhaps having to do with details of your divorce, his relationship with your ex, or other issues. I advise you to enjoy the company of friends on Thanksgiving, and then later try to meet with your son to discuss what鈥檚 happened in your relationship.
Listen to his side, try to find some common ground.
Don鈥檛 expect overwhelming change, but hope for small steps, starting with just meeting over coffee and asking more about how he鈥檚 doing.
Ellie鈥檚 tip of the day
Grief is a process that can lead to renewed purpose/hope for your life ahead.
Send relationship questions to [email protected].
Follow @ellieadvice.