Recently, I wrote a column on theatre etiquette. Readers were invited to share their own stories of audiences behaving badly.
The emails poured in. Apparently, in Victoria, all sorts of terrible things happen at the theatre, in the concert hall, at the movies and so forth.
Having these citizens share their tales of woe made me feel, well . . . like Dear Abby or something. With this in mind, I鈥檓 sharing a few of letters, adding my own words of advice and/or consolation.
(These are all authentic emails from actual people, although the signatures are invented to protect the innocent.)
One correspondent recalls seeing the film Dead Poets Society. Two elderly women sat in front of her and began chatting loudly:
听
Dear Nudge, Nudge: Once the film began, we realized that one of them was visually impaired and the friend was using binoculars to see the screen and loudly describe the action to her colleague.
At the climax of the film, we could hear a step-by-step description of a gun being in a drawer and a corresponding commentary of the use of that gun. Needless to say, it spoiled our film experience.
Unhappy Filmgoer
听
Dear Unhappy: This sounds terrible. Robin Williams never really convinced me in dramatic roles. I kept waiting for him to say: 鈥淣anoo Nanoo!鈥� or 鈥淪hazbot!鈥�
听
Another letter-writer tells of attending a Tony Orlando concert in Vancouver. Her husband, a 鈥渧ery quiet, reserved Englishman,鈥� became incensed by the disruptive couple in front of them:
听
Dear Nudge, Nudge: To this day I don鈥檛 know how I managed to intercept his arm/fist from knocking the guy鈥檚 block off.
We immediately got up and left the concert, only to find that all the main doors of [the theatre] were locked and an attendant had to run down from one main side entrance to let us leave through [another] door.
We were raised in wartime Britain and that experience of being locked in a public building resonated with us. Both of us said: 鈥淣o. 1 firehall, now!鈥�
Needless to say, the firemen profusely thanked us for bringing this safety hazard to their attention.
Dissatisfied Concertgoer
听
Dear Dissatisfied: This may well be the best letter I鈥檝e ever received. I can only add, to quote the great Tony Orlando: 鈥淥h my Candida/ We could make it together/The further from here girl the better.鈥�
听
Another reader remembers a traumatic experience at a sporting event:
听
Dear Nudge, Nudge: The trouble at the baseball game came from those sitting behind us 鈥� yelling, screaming, non-stop talking, beer-drinking. And then yelling at my husband and me and three other couples who, according to them, were not showing enough support to the Blue Jays by not screaming as loudly as they were.
Disquieted Sports Fan
听
Dear Disquieted: My gosh. I鈥檝e never actually attended a sporting event (except for being forced to participate in softball/soccer games in school). Based on your account, I will not start any time soon.
听
Dear Nudge, Nudge: I once went to a bluegrass concert at a Victoria church. In front of me were a man and a woman. The woman kept making an annoying clicking noise with what I believe was the tab of her pop can.
Once noticed, it was impossible to ignore. Finally, as the concert ended, I wadded up a ball of note-paper and flung it at the couple. It bonked the man right on the head 鈥� he turned around and locked eyes with me.
He didn鈥檛 look too happy.
鈥淩un,鈥� I whispered to my wife. Then I sprinted like a frightened little boy to our car. When she finally caught up with me, I zoomed off.
鈥淗ope that didn鈥檛 make me look cowardly or anything,鈥� I said to my wife at home.
鈥淚鈥檓 going to bed now,鈥� said my wife.
Timid Vigilante
听
Dear Timid: OK 鈥� that last one was from me. True story, though.
听
Next week: Donald Trump鈥檚 new book: Achieving Self Actualization Through Incredible Self-Control 鈥� Or How I Managed Not to Tweet Like a Maniac During the Comey Testimony.
听