Mayor Lisa Helps recently suggested that Victorians help combat the housing crisis by billeting the homeless.
They could bunk in a spare room or basement. It鈥檚 a splendid idea. So I suggested to my wife that we take up Helps鈥檚 suggestion.
鈥淐ertainly not,鈥� she said.
鈥淲hy?鈥� I said.
鈥淭his will be the accordion all over again. We bought the accordion. You played it for a week. Now it just sits in the basement.鈥�
I explained billeting a homeless person is nothing at all like the accordion. After all, an accordion is a musical instrument, not a human being.
Despite this, convincing my wife that we should follow Mayor Helps鈥檚 suggestion has proved surprisingly difficult. My wife keeps lobbing out phrases such as: 鈥淲here will the homeless person sleep?鈥� 鈥淲hat will the laundry arrangements be?鈥� and 鈥淎re you crazy or something?鈥�
Undeterred, I鈥檝e come up with a new approach 鈥� a set of ground rules for living with the Chamberlain family. No doubt, once my wife reads them, we鈥檒l be billeting the homeless lickety-split.
Shared TV viewing: The homeless person is welcome to watch television with us. But there must be absolutely no fiddling with the remote settings so I can鈥檛 figure out how to watch TV later on. And all pay-for-view must be approved by yours truly.
A special request: The homeless person must join me in watching shows that I enjoy and my wife doesn鈥檛 like. These are mostly animal shows such as Bondi Vet and Dogs with Jobs.
Stay off the drum set: A homeless person could easily be billeted in our basement. There is one complication 鈥� it鈥檚 full of musical instruments. I鈥檓 OK with the billeted individual playing my organ and/or piano. No problem-o. But please keep away from the drum kit. On second thought, a little drumming is acceptable. But not between 11 p.m. and 6 a.m. (and you must provide your own sticks).
Participating in band practices: The basement is now used for weekly band rehearsals. The homeless person, if so inclined, could join in. However, such participation will be restricted to cowbell/maracas or other percussion instruments. (P.S. You must play in time.)
Fridge privileges: The homeless person will have exclusive access to the bottom, right-hand drawer for his/her food items. Partaking of non-right-hand-drawer items will be allowed if circumstances demand it. However, drinking my Mott鈥檚 Clamato Juice is absolutely verboten. That stuff is delicious.
Cigar privileges: There is a small wooden box in a cupboard beside the fridge. That is the cigar humidifier. The homeless person is welcome to have one (and only one) cigar every 10 days 鈥� on the condition he or she stays away from the Cubans.
Clothing privileges: If we are roughly the same size, the homeless person is welcome to wear my clothes. Please note that this does not apply if you are not my size 鈥� and particularly if you are much larger than me. I don鈥檛 want the shoulders in my suit jackets all stretched out like that time with my college roommate.
Also, under no circumstances shall the homeless person be allowed to wear my 鈥減arty shirts鈥� (the one with polka dots and another with green stripes) or my Booker T. and the M.G.鈥檚 T-shirt.
No sleeping in the family bed: I haven鈥檛 quite worked out sleeping arrangements for the billeted person. My wife has previously stated her opposition to homeless people sleeping in our bed, even though it boasts the most comfortable mattress in the house. She is curiously adamant about this.
However, it鈥檚 my view that everyone needs a really great bed (sleep is so important). Perhaps, at the very least, the homeless person can kip in our bed when my wife is out of town, like for a work convention or something.
Walk the pug: There鈥檚 no way, as an altruistic Victorian, that I want to take advantage of our homeless tenant. However, it would really help if he or she took our pug dog, Ollie, for walks. He needs three a day. Just ignore it if Ollie stands immobile and glares at you. It鈥檚 for his own good.
Next week: Should Victoria ban cars completely in favour of bicycles?