The forecast says it鈥檒l be unusually hot on Vancouver Island this weekend. Add to this the smoky haze from sa国际传媒 forest fires, and you鈥檝e got potentially uncomfortable weather.
This is bad news for all of us. Especially yours truly. I like my environment to remain at room temperature at all times. And, if possible, this environment should contain a big-screen TV and salty snacks .
Like many of you, the heat took me by surprise. Remember the old Monty Python skit where they say: 鈥淣o one expects the Spanish Inquisition鈥�? Well, just substitute 鈥渉eat wave鈥� for 鈥淪panish Inquisition鈥� and you鈥檝e got my reaction.
One of my beat-the-heat stratagems has already gone badly awry. In the spring, we had a used air-conditioning system installed in our 1990 Volvo station wagon. Perhaps this wasn鈥檛 the smartest idea, as the cost tops the car鈥檚 actual Blue Book value.
As well, our Volvo repairman said: 鈥淢y advice would be not to buy a used air-conditioning system, as they usually don鈥檛 work well.鈥�
Still, the notion of being bathed in cool air while navigating the maze of construction that is Victoria鈥檚 streets proved too hard to resist.
The air-conditioning system in our Volvo works sort of OK in downtown traffic. Yes, you have to turn up the knob full blast, creating a tornado-like roar that means conversations mostly consist of the words 鈥渨hat?鈥� or 鈥渟orry?鈥� or 鈥渢urn down the stupid air conditioning!鈥� But there鈥檚 definitely a semi-cool breeze.
However, if you drive faster than 60 kilometres an hour, the air-conditioning goes wacky. It actually blows hot air into your face, which is the last thing you want an air conditioner to do.
鈥淚t feels like hot air is coming out,鈥� said my wife the first time it happened.
鈥淲hat? That can鈥檛 be happening. It must be your imagination,鈥� I shouted above the hurricane-like din of the air-conditioning system.
鈥淚t is hot air,鈥� said my wife, putting her hand up to a vent. 鈥淔eel it.鈥�
She was right. We took it to the repair shop. They topped up the freon. Didn鈥檛 solve the problem.
Of course, I still have my personal fan. My wife bought it for me. It鈥檚 a battery-operated propeller about the size of a pen. It works quite well if you stick it three inches from your face.
The problem is, holding a little fan in front of your face makes you look like a bit of an idiot. Not that I care about such things, but it鈥檚 impossible to appear manly while manipulating a little propeller. I mean, could you imagine the Clint Eastwood movie where he says: 鈥淕o ahead, make my day,鈥� and then he whips out a tiny fan?
I was once using my fan at a concert when an acquaintance noticed me. He ambled over and said: 鈥淗ey, what鈥檚 that?鈥�
鈥淣othing,鈥� I said, dropping my personal fan like a hot coal.
鈥淜ind of looks like one of those 鈥� . you know, personal fans,鈥� he said.
鈥淣ope. It was a cellphone,鈥� I said.
My friend walked away, grinning. Obviously my ruse had failed 鈥� no doubt I would henceforth be known as Mr. Personal Fan. Which maybe is an improvement on Salty Snack Guy 鈥� I don鈥檛 know.
The best advice for beating the heat? Shorts. The problem is, when is it OK to wear shorts?
For example, is it kosher to wear shorts at a funeral? Depends. Is it an informal 鈥渃elebration of life鈥� where they play Adele at low volume and serve margaritas from one of those glass spigot tanks usually used for lemonade?
Then it鈥檚 probably fine.
I recently acquired a pair of shorts for $5 at a thrift store. They were intended to be part of a costume for a goofy summer event where everyone wears loud, tacky clothes.
These shorts are 鈥渂oard shorts鈥� that come down to the knees. They鈥檙e neon blue. I felt great in these board shorts, like a guy who鈥檚 just been surfing with Gidget and mocking 鈥渉odads鈥� with Frankie Avalon.
鈥淒on鈥檛 wear those shorts in public,鈥� my wife advised when I had the shorts on.
鈥淲hy? I look good in these. And they keep my legs cool,鈥� I said.
鈥淭hey make you look slightly crazy,鈥� said my wife.
鈥淗ow about if I just wear them while mowing the lawn?鈥�
鈥淏ackyard only?鈥� said my wife.
鈥淒eal,鈥� I said.
Next week: Did former Liberal leader Gordon Wilson send his LNG reports telepathically?