"Always seems to me / 'Sorry' seems to be the hardest word."
-- Elton John
Sir Elton John and Bernie Taupin are right: it's extraordinarily hard to say that you've done something wrong and hurt somebody. But I think there's an even harder word.
Forgiveness puts the onus on the wronged party to overcome the natural human desire for revenge in the name of 鈥渏ustice,鈥� forego sympathy and surrender the moral high ground. But forgiveness benefits both offender and offended by breaking out of the bitter circle of hurt and recrimination.
When we forgive, we concede that the other person didn鈥檛 mean to hurt us.
When we forgive, we release ourselves from the burden of carrying a grudge and, equally important, we release the offender from the burden of the action; we can both move forward.
Forgiveness takes the spiritual club we could have used on our offender and throws it into the fire so we can never use it.聽
These aren鈥檛 my thoughts: Jesus Christ tells us, 鈥淲henever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in Heaven may forgive you your trespasses.鈥� He does not say, 鈥淒emand an apology and don鈥檛 bother forgiving until you get one.鈥�
Now that I鈥檝e brought in Jesus, let鈥檚 understand that 鈥渇orgive鈥� is an instruction from God, who regards us all equal. He expects anyone who claims a 鈥渕oral high ground鈥� to humble themselves so they don鈥檛 become proud. A wrong act upsets the balance: forgiveness restores it. 聽
This is not an airy-fairy, view-from-the-press-box theory. I鈥檝e experienced this 鈥� and you may have, too: carrying grudges, re-playing incidents, imagining scenarios where I win. Eventually, I feel like God says to me, 鈥淗ow much longer do I have to listen to this?鈥�
When I鈥檝e taken the hint and forgiven the other person, there has been breakthrough, either in the situation at hand or in some other area where it appeared I had hit a roadblock; ultimately, things have worked out better than one could have imagined 鈥� and not just for me. Coincidence? I doubt it.
When you forgive someone, that's between you and God,聽unless the other person asks you for forgiveness.聽If they do, don鈥檛 delay. But if you tell them pro-actively that you forgive them, you鈥檙e being self-righteous, telling them how they've failed, but you're big enough to forgive. When Jesus says, "don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing," He鈥檚 not just talking about giving offerings.
Then there鈥檚 asking for forgiveness, which I believe is more powerful than apologizing. Saying 鈥淧lease forgive me鈥� hands someone a loaded gun, giving them the power to decide whether or not you stay under the burden.
Remember that "good" and "bad" usually are what look good or bad聽to us at the time. Look back over your life and consider 鈥済ood鈥� things that have happened and see how 鈥渂ad鈥� things were part of the chain of events that led to them.聽Forgiveness acknowledges that everything will ultimately turn out for the good.
One of the ultimate 鈥渂ad鈥� things was the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, and yet that had to happen, in order for the ultimate 鈥済ood鈥� thing to take place. Jesus knew that, even throughthe torture, mocking and desertion, and forgave the people who did it.
True forgiveness is an inseparable part of reconciliation. When we forgive, the matter is closed. If one party says they forgive and then revisits the offence, one wonders if the forgiveness was genuine. When we forgive, the only remembering is to ensure the offence doesn鈥檛 happen again.
Drew Snider is a writer, pastor and former broadcaster. He spent a decade ministering at Gospel Mission on Vancouver's Downtown East Side and has been a guest preacher at churches including Westshore Alliance in Langford, Westpointe in Vancouver, The Oasis in Duncan and Port McNeill Full Gospel. His e-book on the Bible and the environment, "A Very Convenient Truth -- or, Jesus Warned Us There'd Be Days Like These, so Stop Worrying About the Planet and Get With His Program!" is available through online booksellers. He lives in East Sooke.
You can read more articles from our interfaith blog, Spiritually Speaking
*This article was published in the print edition of the TImes Colonist on Saturday, March 18 2017
