I've had an epiphany these last few weeks, writing these few blog posts and focussing much of my work time on our So You Think You Can Write contest and promotion: the more I write, the more I want to write. The more I think about writing, the more I want to write and enjoy it. Whoa, that's a big step for me. Admitting how much this means to me.聽
Despite this feel-good trajectory, I don't write as much as I want or feel I could.聽My "but" gets in the way.聽The聽"but"聽that always follows thoughts like "I want to work on this poem" or "I could spend the next half an hour with my character from this other story."聽 They turn into "I want to work on this story BUT I should put the laundry away" or "I could spend the next half an hour with my character from this other story BUT the dog needs another walk." I'm sure other writers have "buts" too. Fill in the blanks: "I would like to write _________ BUT I should _________." The details are different, the pattern is the same. And for me the "but" compounds and builds the pile of shoulds into something so insurrmountable I give up.
聽Where does this come from?
I think my "but" works in tandem with my internal editor (yes, that villan) to thwart my efforts. If the "but" doesn't head me off at the pass, the editor will get me en route. Somewhere along the line we've been taught/conditioned that the kind of creative process involved here -- with聽its myriad phases and results -- is not聽deemed valuable unless it brings recognition or聽monetary reward.聽And, therefore, everything else comes first. I understand, we all want an audience for our work; we write to communicate, after all.聽But why don't we feel like the process is valuable and聽reward in聽itself? I think this conditioning has聽helped聽my "but" and my internal editor flourish, fed and watered them over the years until they became a thick tangle blocking the sun.
But the key to both of these menaces is that they are聽MINE. They exist inside of me (for whatever reason) and it is up to me to hack through the tangle.聽My machete is ready and it's time to kick some "but" (you saw that聽coming, right?)聽 I've been inspired by the almost 350 people who managed to hack through their individual tangles and meet our contest deadline.
So tonight it's leftovers (15 minutes from fridge to table to dishwasher) and the dog only gets half an hour walkies.聽And聽I will spend some time with someone calling through the tangle, telling me a story;聽a mother who is worried about her聽young-adult daughter who is wandering through Africa.
