REVIEW
Texas Chainsaw 3D
Where: Empire Capitol 6, SilverCity
Starring: Alexandra Daddario, Trey Songz, Tania Raymonde, Scott Eastwood
Directed by: John Luessenhop
Parental advisory: 18A
Rating: * (out of 4)
The first movie to go into wide release in 2013 misses, by mere days, a qualifying run for the 2012 Oscars. Thus Texas Chainsaw 3D can鈥檛 enjoy the hype of the just-as-bloody Django Unchained.
Well, there are other differences.
Chainsaw 3D 鈥� they no longer use 鈥淢assacre鈥� in the title. It鈥檚 either implied or 鈥� well, they don鈥檛 want to give the movie away 鈥� picks up the 鈥渟tory鈥� where other recent massacres have left off. Chainsaw 3D makes some effort to find a reason for Heather, played by a stunning specimen of bare-midriffed beauty, Alexandra Daddario, to drag three of her 20-something friends to Newt, Texas. She鈥檚 a surviving member of the slaying Sawyer clan, the inbreds who gave birth to and protected the hulking monster Leatherface. A brief opening sums up the 鈥渆nd鈥� of the Sawyers, the lynch mob that rightfully burnt them all to a Texas barbecue crisp.
Heather inherits Granny鈥檚 estate and is urged to 鈥淩EAD Verna鈥檚 letter鈥� to her by character actor Richard Riehle, playing the old woman鈥檚 lawyer. Heather doesn鈥檛 and everybody pays the price.
Chainsaw then gets down to the bloody business at hand 鈥� chainsawing. It鈥檚 all about that farm implement, the menacing sound of it as Leatherface chases these fit and trim young folk (Tania Raymonde, Trey Songz, Keram Malicki-Sanchez and Shaun Sipos as 鈥渢he handsome hitchhiker鈥�), who always find something to trip over. A local Halloween carnival (when this movie was originally slated to come out) plays up the town鈥檚 chainsawing past, but not much is made of that.
There are plenty of 3-D shove-the-saw-at-the-camera moments, which must have been underlined in director John Luessenhop鈥檚 copy of the script. Otherwise, the director of Takers botches even the basics of making these many murders frightening. The first one, on a staircase, calls for a Paranormal/ Quarantine victim-yanked-out-of-the-frame moment. Nope.
In the decades since Tobe Hooper鈥檚 genuinely shocking original film, loosely based on the murderous rampage of non-Texan Ed Gein, these movies have devolved into simple, stupid splatter fests. Round up some co-eds, capture them in various states of undress, meathook them, hack them and chew them up in 鈥渢he pig grinder.鈥�
As the backstory of Hitchcock makes plain, the 鈥渞eal鈥� story of a guy killing and gutting his victims is the very definition of 鈥渢he banality of evil.鈥� Hollywood has to intervene to make these movies thrillers. But there鈥檚 nothing thrilling about summarily dispatching everybody who isn鈥檛 meant to survive to the credits, nothing entertaining about meathook-, hatchet- and chainsaw-murdering that we鈥檝e seen scores of times.
And if the best a trio of screenwriters can come up with is 鈥淭exas is the LAST place you want to be鈥� and 鈥淎 chainsaw don鈥檛 make you bulletproof,鈥� maybe it鈥檚 time to bury the leather face mask and move on.
