Let鈥檚 get the bad news out of the way first as we recap the year in TV.
In 2012, we lost Mayberry鈥檚 Sheriff Andy Taylor, J.R. Ewing, George Jefferson, two dance-party kings with the initials D.C., Barnabas Collins, the cutest Monkee, the skipper of PT-73, and Family Feud鈥檚 kissing bandit.
The good news? We gained Honey Boo Boo.
You do the math.
TLC鈥檚 tiny, tubby yahoo was a rebuke to all of you who wrote me declaring that TV could not get any lower than Jersey Shore. Ha! If there鈥檚 one thing my job has taught me, it鈥檚 that TV can always go lower.
At this moment, reality TV producers are out there scouring the underbrush. They will not rest until they find personalities who combine ignorance and arrogance so recklessly that they make Honey Boo Boo look like Audrey Hepburn.
By the way, I don鈥檛 think Honey was the only one hopped up on Go-Go Juice this year.
Professional apoplectic Gordon Ramsay had about 46 different shows on at the same time.
Today exhibited suicidal tendencies, managing to make a martyr of Ann Curry and later to ignore the national moment of remembrance for 9/11 in favour of an interview about boob jobs with Kardashian brood mare Kris Jenner.
Not coincidentally, Today ended a streak that made Cal Ripken look like a slacker: 852 consecutive weeks atop the morning- show wars.
Always to be outdone, the CBS Morning Show responded by pointlessly shuffling its hosts once again. The show鈥檚 new motto: 鈥淐harlie Rose 鈥� He鈥檚 Not Just to Put You to Sleep Anymore.鈥�
The prime-time talent competitions were all playing very expensive games of musical chairs. Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez will judge no more (if that鈥檚 what they were doing) on American Idol. A nation breathlessly awaits the arrival of their replacements: Nicki Minaj, Mariah Carey and Keith Urban.
Howard Stern took Piers Morgan鈥檚 chair on America鈥檚 Got Talent. Britney Spears and Demi Lovato stepped in for Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger on The X Factor. Now L.A. Reid has announced that he will not return. And Christina Aguilera and Cee Lo just finished their rotations on The Voice. Shakira and Usher are slated to take their places.
Not one of these programs has yet figured out a way to replace its defecting viewers.
This was a year when we were forced to pick sides: Hatfields or McCoys? The modern-day Sherlock on PBS or the one on CBS?
The very institution of TV was rocked. The Emmy Awards is contemplating changing its name to the Cable Ace Awards, as broadcast networks were shut out of a record number of major categories on TV鈥檚 big night.
A number of old favourites 鈥� One Life to Live, Desperate Housewives, House, Weeds, Chuck and The Closer among them 鈥� winked out. Some shows that have overstayed their welcome, including How I Met Your Mother, Glee and Mad Men, refused to take the hint.
Poppy Montgomery鈥檚 series Unforgettable was cancelled and then, like Frankenstein, revived. Charlie Sheen had an even more unlikely comeback, landing a new series, Anger Management. Just goes to prove you can鈥檛 keep a good maniac down.
A lot of 2012 was taken up with events that just seemed to go on and on, like the Summer Olympics. How many nights can you spend watching people do laps in a pool before you lose your mind?
That opening ceremony that dramatized each stage of England鈥檚 evolution from agrarian Eden to modern techno-power seemed to unfold in real time. And when it came to the closing ceremony, let鈥檚 face it, any pursuit that climaxes with a Spice Girls reunion is bound to be a bitter disappointment.
There you have it 鈥� 2012. What was the good news again?
