Our So You Think You Can Write judges weigh in on Pat Parker's first-week winning entry, Disarmed.
DAVE OBEE
This is powerful, taking the reader right to that scary no-man's land between East and West. It allows us to peek into a soldier's thoughts, sometimes mundane, sometimes on edge, always cautious.
I had mixed thoughts about the ending. At first it seemed weak, because I was expecting more. I thought that the other guard might have picked up a rifle, or looked through binoculars, to add a bit more punch to the story.
Then I decided that the ending worked. Most days, there was no drama, just guards assigned to be there, just in case. A dramatic ending would not have reflected the emotions felt in an average day. This one does.
JANET ROGERS
- The character's philosophy was "live and let live" and although clich脙漏, summed up his internal conflict and I like where this was placed in the story.
- Great tension throughout. - I liked the voice and language used in the story.
- Kept my interest.
MATTHEW HOOTON
What I like:
The strength of this piece is twofold: first, the "alien landscape" is rendered vividly and with stunning attention to detail, and second, the emotional engine of the narrative lies outside the sensory thrust of the literal events. That is, the emotional core of the piece is actually George's desire to hear from his girlfriend, and his fear of rejection while he's on duty. But this powerful and relatable internal character conflict appears as a subtle thread, because we are instantly engaged by the sightlines of our protagonist, by the "Cyclopean eye" of the searchlight, the "thirty meters of ploughed earth," the "dew on the barbed wire fences" like "pearls around a ghastly neck." Excellent writing. Excellent structure. Excellent engagement with the assignment.
WHAT I'D LIKE TO SEE MORE OF:
I'm very curious to see how this author's arresting descriptive writing will be applied to other settings, other "worlds," other characters.
I'd also like to see this author's descriptive writing carry even more "narrative weight" in his next piece. For example, seeing the foreign soldier petting the dog was a strong enough visual that I didn't need to be told that George could relate. This is an issue of trusting one's writing, of trusting one's ability to describe a scenario without needing to explain its significance.
QUESTIONS (NOT NECESSARILY TO ANSWER, BUT TO THINK ABOUT):
1. What impact might the repetition of the title in the final line have on your readers' experience?
2. Is this the first time George has noticed how similar he is to his "opposite" across the fence? Why now?
3. Are there ideas or pieces of information here that you're both showing and telling your readers?
For the judges' comments on our other three writers, go to timescolonist.com/writingcontest
