Dear Ellie: My partner of over 16 years and I, both in our early-sixties, are both divorced. We each have a son and daughter now in their 30s.
When I separated from my ex-wife, my children were teenagers. My daughter attended an out-of-town university; my son still lived at home. When I moved out, he stayed with his mother.
My partner’s divorce happened earlier, and he spent the next few years as a single father, struggling to raise two children while skimming on himself. His ex-wife had married his then-best friend with whom she’d cheated. His children moved out, met partners and had children of their own.
His son and partner moved three hours away by plane. His daughter still lives in town with her children. Despite my partner calling his son with annual birthday wishes, the communication was always one-sided.
Around Christmas, over these last five or six years, his son, wife, and three grandchildren come back to our city and visit her family and his ex-wife, but seldom even say hello to my partner.
Last year, my partner lent him his car for four weeks, but barely saw his son.
My partner recently suffered serious health problems. His daughter must have told her brother. There was no phone call or message from his son.
Recently, the daughter disclosed that her brother and family will visit again. Years ago, I’d met his son several times. We got along great, so I don’t think it had anything to do with his dad being gay. It likely had something to do with the son’s wife, who always had unwelcomed influence on him. How can a son be so ungrateful?
It’s not something I’d do to any of my immediate relatives. How can someone ghost a person in their own family?
It’s So Sad
Yes, broken family relationships do happen, and “fault” often lies with outsiders, like the son’s wife’s “unwelcome influence.” However, the son could be rebelling after being left alone with his father during those influential years.
Also, sole outreach through annual birthday phone calls rarely improves a relationship. Instead, it’s likely one of the reasons why he’s ghosted everyone but his sister.
I agree with you that the father’s being gay was not a factor during the time that father and son were still living together. If the son’s wife or anyone else played a significant part in this family drama, your partner could consider contacting an “Alienated Parents’” organization, which can/may be helpful.
Dear Ellie: I’m confused and upset with my brother-in-law’s action at my mother-in-law’s small funeral. He took pictures of his late mother’s body from different angles. He filmed those in attendance with his cellphone, without asking us if it’s OK. He even suggested taking a group picture with the body which a few of us objected. Then he wanted a family picture in front of the funeral home! I silently protested by turning my face away when the picture was taken. He’s 71 and should know what’s proper on such occasions.
He’s also the relative who posted pictures on Facebook without our permission. Is he sick or just seeking attention?
Confused Sister-in-Law
Odd behaviour at a funeral sometimes reflects a mourner’s inner feelings and even fears regarding life passages. Here, it’s a son’s unusual reaction to his mother’s death.
Yet this man’s actions — taking photographs of his late-mother’s body from different angles — may be the way he “preserved” her memory.
Grief often affects people differently. Yes, he should’ve asked permission of those he photographed… but they, in turn, could’ve refused.
FEEDBACK Regarding “I sometimes feel like I’m an underpaid daycare” (Dec. 21, 2023):
Reader — “I am a woman, now in my 70s, but I was that child who was described in your column. I never felt like I actually belonged in my own family and my father had a very bad temper. I tried to spend as little time at home as possible.
“During my elementary, high school, and university years, I was lucky to have had several very special girlfriends. I spent a lot of time with them in their homes, and I even went on trips with their families. Those are the only times when I felt loved and safe.
“I hope that their mothers did not feel like they were underpaid daycare workers regarding my frequent presence. Those very special parents likely saved my life.”
Ellie’s tip of the Day
When a grown child experiences a parent’s divorce, remarriage, and new partner, and chooses to move far away, communication is key in keeping up the relationship.
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