Dear Ellie: My letter is about a man named “Wes.”
I’m a long-time Toronto Star subscriber and read your column daily. I start on the back page. That might sound totally ridiculous but I just read a tidbit from Wes and his breakfast date.
I haven’t tried online dating, though maybe that’s the only way to meet people. I’m in my early 60s and Wes sounded like a nice man.
I hope Wes finds his person. I’m keeping my eyes and heart open.
Online dating
Wes is likely very nice, especially if he can carry off a positive breakfast date with someone he’s just met. But their time together is about more than food, and even more about taking a chance.
Eating with a stranger can seem awkward, even uncomfortable … unless both participants do what they came for, i.e., sharing some facts and information about themselves, learning about the other person and showing enough interest for a second date.
Online dating has become a logical choice for meeting new people, so long as you feel comfortable. Let a close friend know your whereabouts.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding a past column sent by a man whose wife (age 50) had shut the door on sex.
“A lot of women of her age have problems with sex due to a lack of lubrication and/or a thinning of their vaginal wall. Both conditions can be corrected. Yes, she should see a doctor.
“It’s also common for the man to have his orgasm every time he has sex, but a lot of women have never had that experience. That, too, is easily corrected.
“All a man has to do is Google ‘how to give my wife an orgasm.’ Unfortunately, the site is now filled with sales promotions, so take it slow until you find a proper one.”
One Man’s Opinion
Ellie — The most important view on this matter has to be that of the woman. She’s not only given up on sex, either because she’s not interested in it with her husband, or has had previous bad experiences with men who were too forceful during intercourse or only looked after their own sexual needs.
I agree that she should see a doctor, and/or a sex-therapist, because doing so might liberate any fears she has had from the past, and allow her to experience the benefits of sexual release, especially when it’s mutually enjoyed.
FEEDBACK Regarding the wife, frustrated about her husband’s late nighttime snack binges, who considered locking their fridge (Nov. 8):
Reader — “While I understand her motive, this method only punishes him and anyone else who might have a late-night craving. His health is important, but it’s up to him to conquer this problem on his own.
“Perhaps she could buy a mini fridge for the basement, and state that its contents are for dinners or events, otherwise off-limits. No need to lock it.
“Regarding the family fridge, she could say what’s needed for dinners, special events, etc. which can’t fit in the mini fridge.
“If he still binges, he’ll be expected to go out and replace absent items, which makes him part of the solution.”
Monitoring His Food
Ellie — I find this arrangement doubly punitive, adding stress on the wife to control her husband’s midnight binges — and treating him like a bad child.
Especially since he can sneak away for binge-eating elsewhere, such as a food court or any available snack bar.
What the husband needs most is exposure to both accurate medical information and proven weight-loss programs about the risks to his health, which he ignores.
FEEDBACK Regarding the Christmas tip of $50 to two house cleaners, without a “thank you” in return (Nov. 25):
Reader — “I sometimes visit my paternal family living in West Africa. In sa国际传媒, I cannot afford household help. There, my family all have maids, cooks and guards. At Christmas, I tip everyone present, and again when I leave.
“I tip relative to what I can afford in Canadian standards: $200 per person. I include a nice note, normally to two or three individuals per trip. I budget for this, recognizing the income disparity between employer and worker.
“Housekeeping is hard work, and almost everyone I know hates doing it. Most people, given the opportunity, wouldn’t be cleaning someone’s toilet.
“These people do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and safety, revealing the means employers have for luxuries.
“No one owes a thank you. The tip thanks the housekeeper without expectation, nor owner entitlement.”
Ellie’s tip of the day
Tip what you can afford, and relative to what recipients do for your benefit.
Send relationship questions to [email protected] or [email protected]
Follow @ellieadvice.
