Dear Ellie: I’m increasingly worried about my female friend, 32, who had a bad relationship with a former boyfriend over several years. He even tried to win her back, and then suddenly dropped her.
This guy, somewhere in his mid-40s, still annoys her with angry outbursts and accusations. He ruined their relationship, yet still takes it out on her.
He upsets her to the point of fear that she’ll never be happy again because he has vowed to ensure that.
I’ve known this woman for over nine years, and though she’s sometimes a bit all over the place — for example, when she talks about seeking a better job — she’s a lovely person with good humour. But this very negative and angry guy really upsets her with his constant harassment.
We’ve talked about this situation many times. How can I get through to her that she’s hurting herself by paying attention to her ex?
Worried Friend
There are many factors in this situation that are causing your friend to harm herself emotionally. Her ex-boyfriend has put himself in a position of power over her due to his anger from the past.
She needs not only your support as a caring friend, but also from any caring family members. She also greatly needs to focus on her own self-worth.
While not everyone can afford professional counselling help, someone like your friend who’s being harassed emotionally needs all the thoughtful and encouraging help that she can get.
Any serious women’s group — whether in a monthly book club or a political discussion that meets regularly (and there are many other female-based meetup groups) — can be a terrific boost to this particular woman’s need to move forward in the development of her own inner strength.
If you can attend a few such group meetups with her, and encourage her participation, you’ll be doing her a great service.
However, if her ex’s intimidation persists, she should consider talking to the police about getting him to desist or face potential charges.
Reader’s Commentary From time to time, I receive a letter from one or possibly several people who disagree with some advice or other content in my column. One such letter-writer had written me several times with his belief that I “dislike” men.
I was mostly surprised because, in fact, I have had long, lasting friendships with many males, such as a pal since first-year university until now; I have an adult son whom I love and admire immensely; I’m a close friend and adviser (when asked) with many males in our extended family; and I’ve been very happily married to one man for 25 years.
My letter-writer responded immediately — and I admire his intellectual persistence — with many statistics as proof that the facts on men and how they’re perceived are often harsh and negative.
The long and well-researched list sent to me by my reader about prejudices against men was disheartening. But I believed him that such statistics don’t usually lie … people lie.
In the reader’s account (the above letter) of a particular man, the “story” is not about a majority of males behaving badly, but rather about one man, one woman and their relationship that went sour. Period.
Dear Ellie: My boyfriend is very smart and has many talents. He’s inherently musical and taught himself to play several instruments.
He’s very intent on his current second-year university courses; he sometimes has no time for me because he stays on top of his course demands by never letting the workload overwhelm him.
I feel very jealous of his time rules, such as his insisting on finishing an essay that requires working through the whole weekend, even though it means that we can’t get together because he’s under time pressure.
I really love and admire him, not only for his ambition to do well, but also for his values on learning. We’re both 20 years old.
Am I wrong to trust that we’ll eventually be a long-term couple? Or should I also be getting to know other guys for dating and relationships?
Sometimes Young and Restless
Follow both your mind and your heart. These are still the early days of a connection that may last for many years, and that will also help you both to mature, and possibly create a firm partnership.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Never accept another person’s uncaring and purposefully unkind assessment of who you are. Always aim to be your best self for your own sake and needs, not anyone else’s.
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