Dear Ellie: My son, who is in his early 50s, lives by himself. Over the last 20 years he’s struggled with his diet and weight control. Twelve years ago, he determined to lose weight and joined a strict exercise program.
Our family supported him on this program. But it failed because he didn’t reduce his intake of food. He then started a new exercise program which included weighing and monitoring everything he ate.
He read labels and made healthy choices. His very scientific approach was very successful. He lost a lot of the weight and looked great. At family functions everyone was very happy for him!
This lasted several years until COVID hit. During isolation and lockdown, he put all the weight back on and resumed consuming double and triple helpings.
His exercise program is now hit and miss. I don’t know how to help him get back on track. His current weight (obese on the charts) and lifestyle will create health issues now and in the future.
Worried Dad
He’s an adult who must face his own issues. You can’t do it for him. He knows both the health dangers and social isolation of obesity. He also knows it’s possible to again make the changes he needs, immediately.
Now, professional counselling is essential regarding both his fears of failing again, and recognizing that giving up equals hiding.
If he wasn’t getting medical advice during his prior weight-loss program, then he was only focused on one part of his goal. I would definitely suggest he seek medical attention.
I do appreciate how hard this is on you as his father, worrying about your son on many levels. Yet you need to put the onus of positive change on him.
He’s the one directly affected by bad decisions. While your caring is undoubtedly obvious to him, only he can create a healthy outlook.
Tell him this: His future is his to make, regarding his appearance, his well-being and his longevity.
Dear Ellie: How can I accept that my father favours my sister? He even gave her the money to help buy a house on his street, so that her three children could visit him and my mother often.
I don’t have children because, at 17, I got a job in a store, and over the years became a manager working long hours, including trips to showrooms in other cities.
I enjoy my sister’s kids on family occasions but save my free time for rest, closest friends and my best guy.
It’s too late now to change any of this. But I’m feeling hurt, angry and discarded by my immediate family.
No Family Ties
You’re focusing on the house purchase, but not on seeking a connection with your parents, which has been a hurtful loss.
Have you asked your father why he’s only giving a gift that benefits one of his daughters only?
Since he could afford to be so generous, ask him why he didn’t help make your family life easier, perhaps with an occasional family getaway. You deserve an answer.
FEEDBACK Regarding the “Horny Husband” (May 25):
“Kids are not stupid, especially those in their teens. Offer those who are in high school a ‘paid’ night out, possibly with friends. The cost of movie, snacks, and a late-night treat would be worth the cost.
“As a husband, start pulling your weight when it comes to sex. This will show that you’re reaching out and will likely ‘turn your wife on.’”
Reader’s Commentary regarding the mother whose child literally “freaked out” on seeing her young friend’s nose bleed (May 22):
“This kind of phobia the child appears to have, may prove to be a future barrier to the friendships and experiences for her daughter. Perhaps the mother would consider seeking some counselling regarding this incident that occurred while both children were present, whether for the child or herself.
“The mother might also want to have a discussion about some coping strategies with her child, in case anything like this were to actually happen at school.
“As a retired teacher with years of experience myself, including many years of working with eight- and nine-year-old children, I know absolutely that, if a teacher is busy dealing with a child who’s bleeding or nauseous, the situation can sometimes actually become a dire event.”
Ellie’s tip of the day
It’s up to the adult offspring of their parents, especially those already in mid-life, to make healthy decisions about maintaining their well-being, and seek medical advice when needed to benefit their future.
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