Dear Ellie: I was supposed to get married next month, but my wedding plans have been stalled with good reason, and I’m in a state of both anger and distrust.
My fiancé has been insisting that his ex-wife, her parents and a brother all be included in the ceremony and wedding party.
From the moment he raised this plan, I said that it’s inappropriate and humiliating to me that his ex and her family be included.
She has no place in my life and especially not in my wedding. So, when my fiancé persisted, I broke our engagement and hoped he’d come to his senses.
It didn’t happen, and a few months later I learned that he was “dating” his ex-wife and that they’re back together. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Do you have advice for me?
Jilted Bride-to-be
My strongest advice is to run from this man, because he feels entitled to embarrass you and have his ex-wife present at your wedding, perhaps even partaking in the ceremony.
You haven’t mentioned him and his so-called “ex” having had children, so there’s no customary situation involved, such as when step-children from their past union could have been included in the ceremony.
Instead, your ex did whatever he desired and paid no attention to your feelings. Worse, imagine how difficult living together as husband and wife would have been had you accepted his insistence that, literally, his ex be handed a major role in your new marriage.
Luckily, you learned before his insincere declaration of “love and marriage” not to get too deeply involved in the financial ties of marriage.
I even wonder if your fiancé and his so-called “ex” already had some future thoughts regarding sharing costs, about which you were never informed.
You did the right thing to end the charade he played out, and learned his true nature.
Dear Ellie: I’m a semi-retired married woman in her 50s. I have three girlfriends whom I often invite to a vacation home for a girls’ weekend of activities.
My husband and I are now relocating to a winter vacation house and these girlfriends feel entitled to visit and boldly suggest that they join us for a weekend. It’s been repeatedly mentioned by them but I haven’t committed.
I think that it’s rude and bold for them to keep asking. They never reciprocate, or host or invite me to visit their homes (some also have their own vacation properties). I feel resentful about it.
Your advice?
Bold Girlfriends
Several choices:
1) Smile and say that it’s time for those with their own vacation homes to reciprocate. Stay upbeat while talking and include how fun it’ll be for all to have more choices.
2) Make no apology whatsoever for not inviting them to the new locale. These women aren’t youngsters. They’re adults taking advantage of your generosity, and because they don’t want to be hospitable.
3) Smile, and say that they’ve all had their share of your generosity. But if you want/need female company, issue a one-time-only invitation to this new place.
Also, since you’re relocating for the entire winter, I strongly recommend you define ahead how long you’ll host them.
However, despite my advice, only you know whether you prefer having more company from these longtime girlfriends, and enjoy common activities together when you’re residing in a new place with brand-new neighbours.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the detached and unexpressive mother of a schoolgirl who’s wanting her mom’s love and hugs (Oct. 11):
“Was the girl fed and clothed? Did her mother encourage her school achievements or her outside activities? Were her friends invited home? Did she feel loved and cared for?
“My parents’ generation didn’t always say ‘I love you’ or hug me frequently. But I always felt that they loved and cared for me. Maybe that was the way they were brought up back then.
“But it would be good if the girl could talk to her mother, which is really hard to do when in your teens.
“It would also help her as an adult to be able to talk about uncomfortable subjects. Maybe a school counsellor could help the letter-writer open the conversation.
“Her mother might then say something positive and helpful. What’s important is whether this girl otherwise feels loved.”
Ellie’s tip of the day
Demands from a future groom to his bride seeking to have his ex-wife at the wedding ceremony could be a flashing red-light warning.
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