Dear Ellie: I’m deeply in love with my fiancée. She’s thoughtful, intelligent, helpful to her parents and other close relatives, especially her younger sister who’s her only sibling and always seeking the limelight.
This competitive effort by her sister is happening right now, even when her older sister is the bride. My fiancée is very understanding of the younger woman’s desire to be noticed, but even the wedding organizer has told the younger woman that this is not her time to seek more attention … such as her insistence on walking down the aisle before the bride.
My wife-to-be is incredibly understanding … one of the reasons why I fell for her on our very first meeting. But my bride’s acceptance of her sister’s insistence that she walks alone down the aisle, gathering notice first, instead of being accompanied by an uncle or other relative, seems to me to be an effort to steal more attention from her kind and loving sister.
Many of the past pre-wedding discussions among my fiancée, her parents and this woman who’s still called the “baby” sister, are very worrying to me.
My future wife is the kindest person I’ve ever met. She’s a community supporter who contributes to important causes in our city, from much-needed food banks to building children’s much-needed playgrounds, etc.
By contrast, her sister’s “me-first” self-importance has little in common with my bride’s generosity.
How do I handle this unpleasant, self-indulged sister as the wedding date looms closer? I know my future wife wants us all to live with generosity and kindness toward each other, but the image of this self-centred sister-in-law taking the first steps leading toward the marriage ceremony officiants, as if the focus is on her alone, really upsets me on behalf of my loving and generous bride.
Fed Up Groom
Focus on your bride-to-be and try hard to ignore the distractions from her sister, whose self-absorption is a known feature in her family, and only makes her neediness more visible.
Your future wife knows how to acknowledge and help her sister more than you do. She seems to have the extraordinary and generous capacity to accept her sister’s need for attention, even when it’s her own wedding day.
Example: A walk down the aisle along with photographers at the event portraying the family’s connection doesn’t diminish the impact of the bride’s appearance, on the arm of her father.
No matter the family’s private issues, this is still going to be your wedding day together. That’s what matters.
Going forward, however, you and your wife might find it wise to discuss together at a future date, the limits your sister-in-law cannot break or purposefully change your own plans as a couple.
FEEDBACK Regarding “the annoying co-worker” (Dec. 20):
Reader — “This person constantly talked about work while in social situations.
“After 31 years, I recently retired from a job I loved in high-stress (and sometimes dangerous) work environments. My department was a close-knit group who relied on each other.
“Our strict rule for social activities was that there was to be NO SHOP TALK allowed. This also included when any of us were on holidays. We were not to pass on work information to anyone who wasn’t on duty, except when in a life and death scenario. It was important for us to take our ‘down time’ to relax and not worry about work situations.”
Dear Ellie: How do my wife and I, both in our early 50s, politely decline to “hot tub” socially, with four friends? Several friends frequently invite us to “bring your bathing suits!” and hot tub with them.
If we were out swimming anyway and moved to the hot therapy pool afterward, then great. But to just sit in a tub with them chatting as the main event? No thanks.
These folks LOVE “tubbing;” they’re proud of it. Personally, I find it repugnant. If you “forget” your suit, they’ll offer up one of their own “extras.” So, that doesn’t work for me, either.
I’d LOVE to see these friends but don’t know how to tell them: “Just please don’t ask me to bathe with you.” I just don’t want to insult some activity that my friends find fun.
Clean Enough
When people plan to share social time together, they must set ground rules and boundaries. If hot tubbing isn’t your thing, just say so. You’re not going to hurt their feelings unless you insult them.
Ellie’s tip of the Day
It takes a big heart for a bride to allow her younger and single sister to “steal the show” by walking down the aisle alone.
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