Dear Ellie: Ever since my husband and I got married, he became obsessed with earning more money, though we were already living very well.
He tried what I thought were “gimmicks” — from expensive weight-loss programs to group counselling, though he wasn’t trained in either field.
When he informed me he was taking a weekend course in another city to attract more participants, I decided to attend and check out his sessions.
The only seat available on my flight was next to a man who ordered a drink and offered one to me. He was charming. We chatted and exchanged phone numbers (“in case you ever need something I can help you with,” he said).
That weekend, my husband attended many promotional sessions. I attended just one, and it confirmed my discomfort.
Back at home, my flight companion surprised me with a phone call suggesting that we meet downtown for lunch.
I was flattered, but resisted.
A couple of months later, we met by accident at a community weekend event, where he tried to convince me to share his hotel room.
Lesson learned. If my marriage had become disappointing, so too were married men eager to cheat.
I realized that if my husband’s zealous search for more income offended me, I had to object firmly or leave him.
As for my brief encounter with a cheater, I ended all contact. Those early lessons shaped my future. I divorced, dated some nice men and married Mr. Right five years later.
Was I too weak in the early years of my marriage when I already doubted my husband’s integrity?
Learned Uncomfortably
To some people, making “a fortune” is the dream scenario. Yet, for all the success stories imagined or realized, it doesn’t always achieve happiness for those obsessed with the effort.
What lifts people from wishful schemes to hard-earned reality are the characteristics that bring people together with mutual respect. And humble gratitude for their “good luck.”
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the article about the $50 that the letter-writer gives her cleaning ladies at Christmas time and does not receive a thank you (Nov. 25):
“I disagree with your response. When we were younger, we were taught by our parents that whenever you receive a gift, whether money or an article, no matter what the cost, we had to thank the gift-giver either verbally or by a note or card.
“If the homeowner gives money this Christmas (and not more than the $50) and doesn’t receive a thank you, then the following year, the ladies get nothing. If they cannot be thankful for whatever they get, then they’re crossed off the Christmas list.
“We always give money at Christmas to the kids who deliver the local paper, and we always get a thank you. This shows respect.
“You can print this in your column to see how many agree with me and how many agree with your advice to ‘Restless.’
“Obviously these two cleaning ladies have not been taught respect by their parents or are not following proper etiquette.”
Ellie — Thanks for your interest in seeing where the debate on my response goes. Since it takes two women to clean this home every week, it’s likely a large house, which I believe deserves more than a $50 tip each, at Christmas.
We know nothing else about the two cleaners. They could be newcomers to this country, raised elsewhere with different language fluency, and supporting other family members when food costs and other basics are particularly costly.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the Hurt Husband (Nov. 22):
“It’s not about how the wife is interpreting her usage of ‘flirty’ emojis when she’s posting messages to a couple of single males. It’s about how they’re being interpreted by each recipient — and by her husband.
“I had a friend who I thought was inappropriately flirting with me. When asked, she commented that she was just intending to be friendly.
“I challenged her, asking whether she knows how other men were interpreting, and to consider their responses in such light.
“The husband might actually have nothing to worry about.
“In interactions with ‘single males on Facebook’ does she make known that she’s married? And does she also make known that she shares their comments with her husband? If not, she should see how, or if, they continue to respond.
“A ‘kissy-face’ emoji, for example, might just be a sign of ‘immense gratitude.’ “
Ellie’s tip of the day
If your partner’s values differ greatly from yours, discuss openly and decide your response.
Send relationship questions to [email protected] or [email protected]
Follow @ellieadvice.
