Dear Ellie: I was married for eight years to a man who bought himself a private apartment in another city to which he’d “leave town on business” with another woman. They had this affair for about three years before I discovered the company’s monthly bill for the apartment’s utilities.
When I presented to him the evidence of his affair, he said he thought we could still stay married, because he “loves” me, and it doesn’t make sense to go through the expense of a divorce.
I had to admit that I was otherwise happy with our lifestyle, because I’d actually had a brief fling myself with another man. Also, I enjoy my current lifestyle — the fitness centre I attend three times weekly, a decent job near where we have our marital home, plus shared household expenses where my share is cheaper than his because he earns more than me.
The fact is that I’m pretty comfortable with things as they are. I travel a lot, and I negotiated with him that I have access to the “getaway” apartment that he bought. I understand that this isn’t a plan for everybody’s marriage, but it works for ours. Also, his affair has since ended.
Now in my early 40s, I’m beginning to worry about the future. My girlfriends tell me, once a cheater, always a cheater. Yet I haven’t had another fling, and have come to like our marital arrangement.
But I’m beginning to feel uncomfortable. My friends point out that I may one day meet someone special instead of still accepting what they call “a second-rate” relationship.
Would I be foolish to leave my husband and a way of life I’m still enjoying, or am I setting myself up for a lonely future?
Too Many in the Marriage
If you’re most concerned about your marriage ending, start examining your current most important relationship needs and goals. If you now believe that there’s no way you can fully repair the marriage, even though you like your current lifestyle, it’s time to look to new possibilities. It will stimulate personal achievement in many different areas.
Because you’re starting to feel uncomfortable within your complicated marriage, it’s time to be more open about a new level of honest communication with yourself, and all the people you meet at this time in your life. A new and exciting chapter will undoubtedly open up.
Dear Ellie: We’re colleagues who regularly like to get together away from work, to enjoy a meal together. However, one member of our group can be annoying. He acts as if everyone wants to hear whatever he wants to say. He’s loud and frequently interrupts whoever else is speaking to interject his thoughts without regard for the person who was talking.
We’ve tried to get across how rude this is, but perhaps we’re too polite about it. He isn’t getting the hint, or just doesn’t care. Other than becoming blunt with him, how can we get him to stop interrupting others and wait his turn to speak? Note: We can’t uninvite him.
Awkward Colleague Conversations
Oh dear, a “chatter-grabber.” They’re certainly a nuisance, and there’s no reason to just put up with it. Time to be honest, without being too unkind.
At the next gathering, someone has to take leadership and clearly state that interruptions are happening too often. If necessary, look directly at the offender and say that everyone gets a turn. If it happens again, repeat the “new rule.”
FEEDBACK: Regarding the obese adult son (June 16):
Reader – “I’m likely triggered that the father of a man in his 50s thinks it’s his business to interfere. In my 60s, I had to set boundaries with a family member who commented on my weight, whether up or down.
“People like me are well aware of the health repercussions. If this man knows what it feels like to carry less weight and feel healthy, then turned to food during Covid’s isolation, he doesn’t need his father’s help.”
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