Dear Ellie: I’m an only child who left home at 19. My parents soon divorced, and both remarried. I live a three-hour flight from my mom.
My son, age eight, was born after I turned 40. We’ve tried to nurture a strong relationship between him, my mom and stepdad. They’ve visited us frequently and discussed them moving closer to us.
My mid-70s stepdad has retired. My mother has mobility issues (stairs) in their current home. Her travelling here is becoming difficult, soon unmanageable.
They rejected living in our legal basement, so my spouse and I agreed to buy them a condo, so that Mom has more involvement in her grandson’s life.
However, my stepfather says he won’t be happy if he moves and refuses discussing it.
We’re committed to creating an easy transition for them. As they age, who’ll care for them?
My mother couldn’t stay alone in their current house. Her husband, who is four years older than her, doesn’t consider how he’ll leave her when he passes.
I worry that we’re one incident away from a major crisis — and about the lost time together that my mom and son are missing.
Meanwhile, I cannot travel there. My son is young and my spouse travels frequently for work.
Any insight from you is greatly appreciated.
No Easy Solution
Look closely at the realities, not just your preference and its problems. You, your spouse, mother, and young son, all hope to bring a boy and his grandparents closer.
But your stepfather distanced himself from any responsibility by refusing any personal changes, perhaps fearing any that leave him responsible for his wife.
You and your husband must decide. Given your mother’s precarious health, choose the best plan possible for her having regular connection with your son, for example, scheduled phone calls, online chats, face time.
Also, discuss your stepfather’s fears with him, and with a counsellor. He’s scared, feeling that he’s the last person being considered.
Aging is largely beyond individuals’ control. But making best-possible plans for all parties involved, should at least be attempted with positive good will.
Dear Ellie: My grandson is currently 21. He lives with his parents and sister. His dad’s a teacher, his mom (my daughter) is in retail, his sister is doing very well in Grade 12.
For the past two and a half years he’s done nothing — no school, no job. He sits in his room, on his computer, lazy and irresponsible.
I’ve talked to his parents about his needing help. They agree but do nothing; his mother says he won’t go for counselling.
I think they all need counselling as to why they don’t try to help him, and the young man as well, to get help and his life on track again.
What Do I Do?
Worrying about a grandson from a distance only does little to improve his situation. Someone needs to be proactive — and that person can be you. For example, contact a professional therapist by phone or online, to ask how to understand and encourage your dispirited grandson.
Just from the act of a caring relative (you) passing on encouraging information, he may hear a note of hope. It’s shocking if no one else in the family has insisted that he must work at something to earn his own spending money, and that no parent has made his attending counselling a condition of his living at home.
I empathize with the fact that there are other such young adults who feel hopeless and helpless about their lives, but the evident avoidance of encouragement can only worsen their situation.
Dear Ellie: My husband and I enjoy entertaining. My brother and his family came for Christmas; my nephew brought his girlfriend last minute. They were all over each other, sprawling on the couches, leaving empty and half-full cups and glasses, not helping with anything.
They complained about their bed, the house temperature, etc. The toilet they used was left unflushed. I try to understand, but I don’t want them back in my house.
How do I handle that and not offend my sensitive sister-in-law? I don’t want to burden my brother.
It’s Awkward
This is your home to enjoy, your requests to be followed. You and your husband have every right to be selective about which relatives or friends are welcome and which others show neither appreciation for being invited nor courtesy.
Be upfront with guests. Explain ahead what the clean-up requires and be clear. In some situations, consider hiring already-trusted cleaners.
Ellie’s tip of the Day: Families have many responsibilities, but among them, encouragement, especially of young people, is essential.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
