Dear Ellie: Our unmarried 37-year-old son announced in January that he was returning to college. He’s never been good with money and had no savings. He claimed that he had a student loan, and that the factory where he’s employed would let him work on weekends to make ends meet. After five months, the loan money’s gone and he’s not working weekends as was planned.
We’re now both retired. He’d attended college for four years and we paid for much of it. Since he’s been in the work force for 15 years, we now don’t feel the same obligation towards his educational advancement.
Recently, we paid his rent twice but are unwilling to continue paying. He’s upset with us and will likely blame us for not supporting him financially to continue his education. When should responsible parents no longer be obligated to pay for their children’s education?
When the Free Ride Ends
Many parents wrestle with similar difficulties giving money to adult children wanting further education, yet not earning and contributing their own share. Most parents who can afford to help will do so.
However, with repeated evidence that the recipient isn’t fulfilling his or her end of their arrangement, some fed-up parents will eventually draw the line at no further “loans.”
While I understand there are your own financial needs ahead as retirees, I also realize that it’s hard to just cut him off when he regularly needs to pay his rent costs. But most important, he must face his own responsibilities, never mind whether he’ll “blame” you both.
I strongly recommend suggesting education counselling for him (and yes, you paying for it, if you’re sure that he attends). He must learn for himself what he can, and intends to do, about his own future.
Dear Ellie: My brother is in his 40s with a wife and kids, but our relationship has ups and downs. I love him, but he’s the kind of guy that calls people “snowflakes” if they care about humanity.
He lacks empathy for those closest to him, especially my parents. He periodically gets along with them, as long as it benefits him (e.g., they’ll watch his kid). But if my parents need something from him, he’ll often refuse or disrespect them. He’s been in a feud with our father because he said some negative things to him when my dad was injuredin a pool accident (e.g., you shouldn’t be cleaning a pool at your age).
My parents are really kind, caring people, and I hate that he treats them so poorly. They won’t break off with him completely because of his wife and kids, and I can’t see myself doing that either.
I really want to see him grow up finally, but it seems like it’ll never happen, and everyone’s doomed to keep on forever forgiving his behaviour. Is there anything I should do, or just butt out?
Frustrated Sister
If you’re hoping for better relationships within your family, “butting out” is likely the best choice. Your brother’s behaviour is neither new nor surprising to your parents or to yourself. If he’s a constant “taker” instead of a giver, that’s not going to suddenly change. Also, his attitude about “snowflakes” isn’t worth discussing, as he’s purposefully trying to annoy you.
Ignore his negative behaviour as much as possible. Stay friendly with his wife and children, and close to your parents to maintain overall family ties, especially if a serious matter like parental illness arises.
FEEDBACK Regarding the upset father’s adult son who is obese (June 16):
Reader — “I’m a healthy woman, late-60s, and COVID isolation didn’t seem to bother me personally as I’ve always enjoyed solitude. Via the internet/Zoom etc., I felt more connected to the world. But once things started opening up, I found it difficult in person, to ‘get out there.’
“Only then did I realize the backlash from lockdown, and how low my energy and willpower had dropped. I knew if I let this continue it’d be a disaster for my aging years.
“My solution was to change my environment. It wasn’t easy but the results have been very positive. My space has downsized but a different neighbourhood has been revitalizing for me. I see a personal trainer once weekly, swim and feel my strength coming back.
“Perhaps the son needs a change of scene to renew his willpower, and to get his life back on track.”
Ellie’s tip of the Day: Help toward an adult child’s advanced education costs, but the student must pay a reasonable share.
Send relationship questions to [email protected] or [email protected]
