Dear Ellie: I was raised in a dysfunctional family with little relationship with my parents — no joy, love, affection, or compliments. My brother and I both left when of legal age. I moved to another country. My brother also distanced from our parents. Shortly after, my mother divorced my father and married her soulmate, a close family friend.
They lived happily ever after. I attended therapy for years, battled an eating disorder, put myself through university and graduate school (summa cum laude), married and started a family. Forty years later, I returned to my home country, and a great life here with my family. My mother was still very devoted to her husband. He suddenly died several months ago. She’s lost without him, expecting me to fill the void. I hold no grudges (therapy was great), but we have nothing in common. I’m a homebody and bookworm, uninterested in shopping trips, etc. I also have some chronic health problems.
My mother has always been very sociable and cries when I don’t want to drive her to social events. (I do take her to all her medical appointments). Her eyesight has diminished greatly so she can’t drive far alone but can afford taxis. I’m helping as much as possible without compromising my own health. Nevertheless, I feel guilty and worry about having regrets once she’s gone. I’d also like to enjoy my retirement.
Trying My Best
You say that you “hold no grudges,” which is remarkable. Yet anyone who describes their own childhood and teenage history as dysfunctional, joyless, and lacking parental love, will likely react and distance themselves from those earlier years. Your natural response (which saved you from negativity in your own marriage and raising children) is testimony to your drive, accomplishments and your wise decision to embrace getting professional therapy.
But your past is affecting your life today, through reactions to your widowed mother’s current needs. Anyone would worry about her driving despite poor vision; it’s a danger to others as well as herself. Also, she apparently enjoys socializing in the retirement home she’s chosen, and you’re a “bookworm” by contrast.
Nevertheless, you can follow your own interests, and still, without grudge or guilt, have a connection with your mother which may ultimately display “family” values to your own children.
Take care of your health and enjoy your retirement when possible.
Readers’ Commentary Regarding the man who wants a dog (Nov. 2):
“Since women are still mostly unfairly burdened with much of the housework, keeping track and buying of all household needs plus most of the laundry, cooking, and errands, perhaps the man should’ve taken his own inventory, compared to his wife’s.
“Then adjust his schedule to be a half-and-half modern partner who shows his love daily. And gets to bed before he can no longer be intimate, not in the typical rush that I’ve heard from wives for years.
“Then, when he’s maintained his role for two years, rethink the dog responsibility seriously.
“Actually, the person who does most of the kitchen- and floor-care chores will have the feeding, watering, dog dishes, dog-feet cleaning etc. added to their tasks. How often will he also train, walk, groom and take that dog to the vet?”
A Realist
Ellie - My own years-long experience with dog-lovers, is that family members who commit to them, do as much caring as their so-called “free” time allows, and also encourage their children to pitch in whenever possible. It’s a commitment that has to be made by everyone old enough to be responsible.
Dear Ellie: My sister lives across the country. She wants to visit next summer; I’m very apprehensive though I love her.
She’s extroverted, I’m an introvert. I like people but am comfortable in my own skin. Previously, she’s overstayed her welcome. When told this, she spent two nights’ visit in the middle with a friend who’s nearby me.
Other family members stay from two nights to five or six. But when she visits, my only alone time is in the bathroom or in bed, which makes me tense.
How can I shorten her visit without hurting her sometimes-fragile feelings? I can also be blunt and have previously hurt her feelings. She didn’t speak to me for months. How do I handle this for both our sakes?
Sibling Visitation
Handle thoughtfully and honestly. You know each other’s differences. Set a visiting time limit e.g. four nights maximum. Encourage another two-night visit with her friend. Remain loving.
Ellie’s tip of the Day
Maturity and self-motivation can bring new acceptance of distanced family history.
Send relationship questions to [email protected] or [email protected]
Follow @ellieadvice.
