Dear Ellie: My daughter grew up with separated parents since she was age two. It was rough at first, but it worked out. I was the weekend dad that rarely said no.
Her mother put herself through school and then college, with a BA in nursing, still raising children (her second child isn’t mine). I worked full time.
As parents, we kept communication open. My daughter lived with me for a few years, then on her own. We raised her to be responsible and respectful.
She met her one and only, and after 15 years together, I now have an awesome five-year-old grandson. Both parents are working adults.
Unfortunately, they’re the most lazy, dirty, messy people! I can barely stand going to their place. Don’t get me wrong — they’re good parents to their child. He’s spoiled but in a good way.
However, when he spends a weekend at my place, he brings the same messy habits of his home environment. His grandmother (my ex-wife), like me, is clean and organized. We can’t understand where this mess and dirt came from.
How do we get the parents to realize being cleaner and organized is a better way of being?
I’m constantly having to tell my grandson to clean up and put stuff away, but he doesn’t understand why he should do it here, but not at home.
Any advice greatly appreciated.
Too Messy to Visit
I know it’s hard to accept, but adult parents who are loving to their child have a right to live their own way, unless their habits are actually dangerous for their children’s well-being.
Yet keeping their home clean as much as possible would also be healthier for these parents as well as their young son.
Unfortunately, their jobs may be factors hampering their finding time to maintain a tidy home, and a regular routine of washing dirty floors, changing and laundering bed linens, etc.
Meantime, you as grandfather have the opportunity on his visits to show your grandson positive benefits of being organized about his things, such as keeping his toy cars in an inexpensive zippered bag (e.g., from you) that he can carry from home to your place and back.
Also, part of the joy of grandparenting is also passing on information, not orders, about washing hands before eating, brushing teeth, etc.
You’ll be doing him the favour of establishing habits that his young friends and classmates are largely following, so that he recognizes the “norm” of cleaning up.
The challenge for grandparents is to not lecture the boy’s parents about his cleanliness, or theirs.
Instead, consider their circumstances: Are they overworked with little time for extra duties, or can’t afford cleanup tools like a vacuum cleaner or dishwasher? If you don’t judge, you may find answers and be able to help where needed.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the couple with “Too Many in the Marriage” (July 8):
“You think so?
“I believe that the time to have taken action was when the ‘first’ affair was discovered. By now, this has not been a marriage for some time. It has become a relationship of convenience for each spouse involved.
“Only when both parties admit to what they have, will they be able to move on. In my opinion, it’ll most likely be amicably.
However, if one partner does not agree, they can each expect acrimony between them.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the letter-writer’s statement: “I think my work friend put me in danger” (July 7):
Reader – “Back in the late ‘70s, when I was in my 20s, I attended a friend’s party. When it was time to leave, my friend said that her male friend would drive me home. I didn’t worry about it, since he was her friend.
“But on the way home he turned the car around the wrong way. He said he had to stop off at his place for something, then invited me inside and offered me a drink.
“I started to feel uncomfortable, but he sat and drank awhile. I got angry and insisted he take me home right away. He did so, luckily.
“I believe that the answer to this woman should’ve been to always trust your gut instincts.
“She didn’t know the man sitting beside her, and it didn’t feel right to her. That’s all that really matters.”
Ellie’s tip of the day
Loving grandparents can communicate positive, helpful information to their young grandkids, without lecturing the adult parents on how they choose to live. Instead, being helpful can resolve differences.
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