Dear Ellie: I’m trying to handle my divorce rationally, without drama. We were once a close team, and have two daughters (older teens) whom we both adore.
But when my soon-to-be ex accepted a high-paying prestigious job, instead of raising our girls and managing our home life, it meant that I became the househusband, and she became the high-pressure executive.
These roles are usually in opposite categories for women and men, but we believed it was possible to change the pigeonholes that determine which partner handles what tasks and decisions.
I loved raising our youngsters, and was proud that our girls were as comfortable on the baseball pitch as in their dance classes.
I worked for myself at home, studied investing, did well, and we shared our earnings.
We were proud of achieving the dream that each of us could reach our self-realization goals, without feeling we were missing out.
That was then. My wife is now a senior executive in the company she’d joined. She missed so many dinners with the kids and me, that I finally asked if she needed to tell me something.
She had to reveal her affair with a close colleague in another department. While my then-wife was let go, her “boyfriend” was permitted to stay. She’s devastated. Despite my own pain about this situation, I can’t help feeling sorry for her.
We’d lived a progressive dream of what family life and gender equality could achieve regarding healthy attitudes, and fair workplace policies.
What can my ex and I say to our daughters about how their mother’s outstanding skills and career abruptly ended, and why her partner is still at his same job?
A Punishing Affair
Your daughters aren’t living in a vacuum of information. Divorce isn’t uncommon, and even people who were once committed to the ideals of their marriage, find strong attractions outside those bonds.
Tell your daughters you acknowledge any hurt and confusion they may be feeling. But also reveal that you care enough to feel sorry for their mother. Though she’s a senior executive, she’s dismissed and her colleague still works there.
Some readers, and certainly some friends of your daughters, may simply say, “Cheating is cheating.” But the workplace is not the bedroom.
If your ex had always achieved the financial and development goals of the company, she may well have a legal case to consider, regarding gender discrimination in the workplace.
Readers’ Commentary Regarding a dinner date with the principal (July 10):
“There are many ways for a principal to celebrate the school-year’s end. Having dinner alone with one student’s parent isn’t among them. It’s very unprofessional.
“Principals make decisions significant to a child’s learning (e.g., they can be more-or-less severe in imposing consequences for something like bad behaviour). They can advocate for admission to various special programs.
“Many parents will question his neutrality in making such decisions if they see he’s having repeated private contacts with one particular parent. At a minimum, the wife and/or several other parents (eg. active school volunteers), and teachers should’ve been included as well. I’ll bet there’s already talk and that some got back to the wife. She may be jealous and insecure. Or she may just be very wise.”
Ellie - Here, too, we have gender-based assumptions, this time about a male principal’s behaviour, and/or that of his female friend, or the reaction of his own wife.
It’s as if two people sharing a dinner meal are flagrantly involved in something that could instantly ruin the school’s reputation.
FEEDBACK Regarding the car widow whose husband inherited money from his aunt, enough for him to purchase a car or two, or a needed renovation or a vacation (July 12):
Reader – “Unfortunately, many people don’t realize that inherited money does not get included with family assets. So, the wife legally has no say in how her husband spends his inheritance.
“But if his hobby is taking her husband away from commitments (e.g., missing meetings) that’ll eventually affect his job and family financial comfort.
“I think the wife should gain some legal and financial advice.
“I say, you need to talk to your husband. He may see your point and be able to dial it back.
“With this knowledge in hand he’ll know how serious his wife is and hopefully recognize his ‘wake-up call.’
“If not, she may need to start taking measures and recording events for a future legal battle.”
Ellie’s Tip of the Day
Early dreams of the perfect family lifestyle don’t always surmount the test of time.
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