Dear Ellie: I had given my daughter the car to take to the day camp where she worked as a counsellor. I needed the car, so I called the camp, only to discover that she hadn’t arrived that day. Instead, she had taken a “sick day” to go to Buffalo with a few friends. Your advice, please.
Car-napping
Oh, oh! Someone who was in that car many years ago has decided to “out” me.
There were three of us, as I recall. I drove our family’s only car to Buffalo and straight to the American shops, like then-trendy Capezio shoes, which were only two hours away.
We got home safely, and I was proud to have not had any problems with the car, or getting us across the U.S. border.
My dad came home from his work late that day, so I didn’t see him until the next morning. He asked, “How was your trip?” I froze on the spot.
That’s when he gently showed me how my sojourn was obvious the moment he got in the car. The speedometer and the gas tank told their own stories, that I’d been some 100 miles away and back.
Getting caught was mortifying. I awaited hearing that I wasn’t going to be allowed to drive the car ever again, and would possibly lose my camp job. But that wasn’t my father’s way. He framed the incident as a valuable teaching tool I’d always remember, and as a guide for my future.
Some of his simple “rules” for my own self-confidence and core values:
1) Never lie to the people you love and need in your life.
2) Show that you can be trusted to make good decisions, despite what others might urge you to do “just for fun.”
3) Any plan that you make that you can’t reveal to parents, work bosses (e.g., day-camp leaders), siblings and/or close, caring friends, should be rethought.
4) If a private plan crosses the line of having to be secretive and dishonest, it’s not worth the distrust it can create.
To this day, I appreciate that I was very lucky to be raised by parents who stressed lifelong values instead of punishment.
Dear Ellie: Ever since I moved into my condo, I’ve heard a continuous thumping sound. After some time, I purchased a parabolic microphone to locate this sound. It seems to be coming from my next-door neighbour’s condo; we share an adjoining wall. Through an internet search, I found the same sound on a You Tube video titled: “How to get even with neighbours.” Its purpose is to harass and drive you crazy. I don’t actually know the neighbour. What should I do to stop this disturbing sound?
Disturbing Noise from Neighbour
Don’t blame your neighbour without any proof that there’s intentional noise coming from next door. Instead, check the condo building’s rules about residents’ noisemaking, and how to proceed with a complaint that makes clear there’s a “continuous thumping sound.”
Rather than point a finger that’s sure to cause an immediate rift between you and the person next door, ask the building supervisor to check on whether something has been installed in the wall between your units.
It may have been put there by previous owners, not necessarily by your current closest neighbour. If so, the supervisor should investigate on your behalf, as to who might have installed the device.
If there’s no way to identify the person involved in this nasty scheme, then the “thumping” device should be removed at the condo board’s expense, not yours alone. Let’s hope this will allow you to have a normal relationship with your neighbour.
FEEDBACK Regarding the husband who’s upset about his wife’s lack of interest in sex (May 25):
“I feel for the tired wife who has young kids and needs to sleep more. I think it is important for her husband to participate more in household chores. This is an opportunity for him to help his busy wife, and allow her to have more time to recharge. He should try this before complaining about their lack of sex together.
“He should find something he knows how to do to help out at home, without her having to ask him. It’s the time for him to take on more responsibility. She fell asleep on date-nights? That’s obviously a sign of her lack of energy.
“But if her husband starts helping out around the house, giving her time to recharge, and she still avoids sex, then it’s time for an honest talk.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send relationship questions to [email protected] or [email protected].
