Dear Ellie: I live in a small community where I grew up, and at 43, I pretty much know everyone here from school, sports and my work in the insurance field.
Like many of my girlfriends, I married in my mid-20s, had two children, and was very busy raising them while also developing my business reputation. Eight years later, my husband and I realized we hardly knew each other.
We both felt the same way — i.e., distanced. A good local therapist was very helpful. We parted amicably three years ago, and he regularly visits the children.
That leaves me trying to maintain my busy work life and run a family home, but often tired and lonely.
Friends say I should try online dating. But small towns are very different from big cities. I already know everyone here in my dating range, and have no time to travel any distance required to meet strangers.
However, someone who’s moved here recently has me wondering if there’s a chance. He’s also divorced, though a family man at heart, visiting his grown children whenever possible.
We shared a coffee recently when he came to my office to discuss his insurance needs but we talked about everything else — where he’s lived, travelled, and his attraction to our community.
He’s late-50s, and since I was so young in my first marriage, I really enjoy his range of knowledge, from business ventures to appreciation of culture and sports.
Suddenly, I feel my life could be at a positive turning point. What’s your advice?
Single in the Sticks
Go slow, but keep going forward, so long as you sense that this man is sincerely interested in getting to know you in a meaningful and unrushed way.
New relationships need time to build, and should not be rushed to a fairy-tale view of “forever” when you’re still learning to trust someone.
Yes, this could be the turning point you’re hoping for, and I wish you all that you desire in a truly loving partner.
So, I strongly advise that you value yourself and what you bring to the relationship equally as much as you value him.
Reader’s Commentary: “My wife of 11 years (two children, ages nine and seven) has shocked me, my parents, our close friends, everyone. She’s left me for a man from an entirely different background, and claims we had ‘too little connection’ to stay together.
“I’m a businessman with responsibility for my company and employees. I returned home for dinner most nights. My wife studied at night to complete her master’s degree and claims I never helped with the children’s homework or bedtime.
“She’s determined to live with this man in the house we’ve jointly owned. I believe she’s having a breakdown because she’s taken on too much.
“How do I convince her that she’s making a terrible mistake?”
No Need for Divorce
I believe that approach would be a serious mistake.
Since you seem genuinely unaware of how strongly you two would need professional guidance to rebuild your marriage, I suggest you not worry about reactions of your parents or close friends.
Instead, focus on the children, and discuss with your wife how best to keep their young lives as uncomplicated as possible during this time.
Yes, see a lawyer to discuss parental visits and obligations, financial matters, asset splitting and other concerns.
You believe your wife is overburdened by her studies. But there’s more going on here, with her choosing someone “from an entirely different background.” I hope that having a truthful conversation together might help you both understand.
Dear Ellie: I’ve married a man from a different country, and a different race. We’re in our early 60s (both previously married) so there are late-teens and younger stepchildren in the family and we love the connections between us all.
Mostly, our life together is without serious problems other than rising costs. But what annoys my husband and me are the questions outsiders ask, e.g. “Did you adopt some of your children?” “How did your parents react to your marrying him (or her)?” Comments are even made in front of our children.
Your thoughts?
Race Erase
Ignore, ignore, ignore. Even if a close friend of yours asks a curiosity-based question, you don’t have to answer. Your personal family life, your partner in marriage and your love relationship are all none of other people’s business.
If your children and stepchildren have questions, however, these are the important people to hear out, and to discuss together any concerns or confusion they express.
Ellie’s tip of the day
If you value yourself as much as your new love interest, the future will brighten.
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