Reader’s Commentary: “I’m a man, in my early-60s, married for the third time, following the loss of my first wife, then a tumultuous second marriage, and finally a happy union.
“Now, I understand my several relationships. Having finished university, I focused on my career. We had two children I only saw briefly while my then-wife managed our home.
“But she soon got a job she loved, which created more distance. Several years later, she died.
“My second wife also had a career, but handled our home, plus the children (one child each). But I felt insecure when her schedule involved travel. I now recognize that my jealousy caused our breakup.
“I’m older now, also wiser. Luckily, I’ve found lasting love.
I’d learned that couples must bond and trust, but not take for granted what’s most important to the relationship.”
Mature Reflection
Ellie: You’ve learned a lot, through some sad realities. Yet, personal growth of character helps improve the choices and commitments a person makes.
Count yourself lucky now, to have known strong women in your life, and to have personally matured through those relationships.
Dear Ellie: My parents, late-60s, moved several hours’ drive away during the pandemic. Their big dream was owning acres of property. They’re retired, but financially very comfortable.
Their move far from three younger grandchildren during a difficult time, was unsurprising. They’ve always been emotionally unavailable.
They don’t display any family photographs (I’ve supplied tons), have nothing for younger people to do, and they don’t engage when we visit (twice in three years). My two kids (nine and 18) felt “very unwelcome and uncomfortable,” like visiting strangers.
No interest was shown about their lives (or mine).
Now, they’ve started guilt trips for us not visiting more often, (a six-hour drive for me; my husband refuses to join) and they’ve never visited us. Yet, I’m feeling guilty.
My childhood was loveless and emotionally neglectful, and visits leave my inner-child wounds open and raw for several days.
How do I stop feeling guilty when no one wants or enjoys the visits? I’m emotionally intelligent, but I get very confused when people’s words and actions don’t match.
Distanced Family
You know the answers: You’re sad and hurt for yourself and your children.
Yet, you’ve long known their “loveless, emotionally neglectful behaviour.” Stop expecting better.
You’re the caring mom whom your children need. That’s what matters. Forget the past, it won’t change. Recognize reality, and tell your husband you want him to be a full partner. You can reciprocate by focusing on him as your “immediate family.”
Reader’s Commentary Regarding Not Getting It (Nov. 18): “I think the wife’s seeking validation, not just from her husband (who seems to appreciate/respect her efforts) but from her social circle and society-at-large.
“I was a working mother of young kids when that was less common, then an at-home mother of teens. The latter are often regarded today with mild contempt, for not having a career.
“I’ve seen many women when they should be back in the paid workforce, and when they often want that.
“They’re frightened, having to transition — possibly worrying what’ll happen if their spouse were seriously ill, or died or left.
“They’re also unsure if they could find a job with their rusty skills; and conflicted about not giving the youngest child full-time mothering, etc.
“This wife must face her fears and start planning. What jobs are available? What would she enjoy? What training will she require?
“If she starts planning a new life stage a few years away, that’ll provide validation and confidence.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the letter-writer’s response to “Dance Partner” and the passive-aggressive sister-in-law who’s falsely “all smiles and friendly” with her (Nov. 16/23):
Reader: “I’m generally very easygoing and do not have difficulty letting things just slide off my back, but I’m not afraid to speak my mind when I think it’s important.
“My husband sometimes oversteps and thinks I ‘should’ be more upset over some circumstances.
“We are very close with his family, and he thinks I should feel more slighted when they’re inconsiderate, such as if they’ve accidentally cooked with something I cannot tolerate easily. I see it as an honest mistake.
“He will harshly bring this up with his family, making me feel like he’s throwing me under the bus.
“Perhaps your sister-in-law (SIL) isn’t the one making a big deal over something, but perhaps instead, her husband is the one blowing it out of proportion.”
Elle’s tip of the day: Learn from past experience and grow beyond it to your goals.
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