Dear Ellie: My youngest brother has had many setbacks. Yet, through 20 years of above-average salary, he supported his wife, who didn’t work, and their two children.
Over six years, he regularly borrowed from me — up to $20,000-plus, per year. So, I told my sister-in-law she must get a job; she did, and things looked hopeful.
Instead, my brother lost significant clients and his income crashed. I lent him more money, with a no-interest payment plan. Nothing was paid back over 10 years.
He eventually lost his job, was severely stressed, distressed and personally lost. He chose new work, and I offered to pay for his training course and gave the family $2,000 support money monthly for a year.
Then COVID-19 hit. He lost his job. I helped financially but my husband and I retired and can’t assist as before.
My brother’s next job lasted a year. When his daughter called in panic that her father was threatening suicide, I had his teenagers stay overnight with friends and, unannounced, visited the couple.
My brother admitted seriously contemplating suicide. I insisted he get immediate help and that the whole family gets therapy. The couple attended a few times, but my brother dropped out. I had him move in with my husband and me. He got an outside job which ended this year.
He’s returned to his family with no job, depression and despair, and the mortgage due soon.
In his mid-50s, my brother and I are the only remaining members of our family. Our childhoods were very stressful. I’m worried about everyone in his family.
He Can’t Move Forward
You’ve been a devoted sister, caring deeply about a brother who gets stuck repeatedly. The most important clue to his repeated setbacks are your reference to “very stressful” childhoods. He presents a fear of succeeding, which can be a self-fulfilling prophecy to reflect the failures he already expected.
You’re a generous sister and a godsend to his children. But professional counselling is needed to avoid him harming himself, fueling his teenagers’ fears, and affecting the family’s future.
Attend a therapy session with him to discuss your parents’ negative impact. Then, hopefully, both of you can work toward clear and real possibilities, and away from past negatives.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding a Family Secret (Oct. 21):
“I’ve personally had a DNA surprise secret in our family and while it worked out well, in my case, it wasn’t void of personal pain. I assume that’s why you suggested to a reader that they keep it a secret.
“Regardless of the painful truth, I feel it’s always better to know the truth and decide for yourself what you want to do with it.
“The younger sibling may sweep it under the rug, ignore it altogether, that’s her prerogative. To suggest that she never be told the truth is unfair in my opinion. She deserves to know. These things are never easy and you never know how they’ll turn out, but it’s always best to lead with honesty.
“My family DNA secret ended with me having two new half-siblings I never knew about. Two of my full siblings tried to keep our family secret from me and I resented it. It all came out through DNA testing anyway.
“The same could happen with this family and the sibling may never forgive them for keeping this secret from her.”
Reader’s Commentary “Early on in a relationship, my partner inexplicably broke up with me, for reasons which later turned out to have had absolutely nothing to do with any behaviour on my part.
“Fortunately, I was not living with her at the time, because I had a very close relationship with her kids. We eventually got back together (it was a matter of months and not years) and went on to have a very long-term relationship.
“We glossed my absence over as ‘travelling.’ But with that said, after she broke up with me, I was very single, and if I had started a relationship with someone it would not have been an ‘affair’ in any sense of the word. I had been well and truly dumped.
“So, it’s entirely possible in the case of your letter-writer, that it was the mother, not the father, who instigated the breakup.”
Ellie’s tip of the day: Others’ generosity is a help. But self-achievement is a future.
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