Dear Ellie: My husband died at age 53, from sudden heart failure, with no previous warnings ahead of that terrible time. I was devastated, left with three children — two youngsters ages 10 and eight, and an older boy, 14, who’d attended every hockey and football game for which his father could snag tickets.
I was then 44, left to figure out the rest of my life. The children came first, of course, regarding their grief and emotional pain for which they’d need help accepting.
But how would I hold onto our home, and pay for all our needs as a family?
I had to learn on my own and started that complex task by applying for a basic college course on money management. Next, I talked to my bank manager, and met with a financial advisor to help me learn the best steps forward and feel more secure about my choices.
I then studied the real estate market, and with the help of a friend in the business, sold our family home in the high period, and bought a smaller home near good schools for my kids.
None of this was easy. But the children and I held close together so we could all get through our terrible loss.
I’ve learned huge lessons from all this pain and effort. Yet I still worry whether my children hold onto anger at me for “letting Dad die,” as the youngest once said through tears. I’m now age 50, still feeling guilty.
Surviving Sudden Loss
Everyone who has experienced a beloved partner’s sudden death has had to face similarly tough decisions like yours. It took a reach for necessary courage, plus self-confidence, to reposition yourself and your children, all within financial moves that’d hopefully improve your earnings.
I believe that your children will grow up knowing the efforts that you made on their behalf. Meanwhile, if they may still sometimes need help processing the loss of their father, grief counselling — on their own or in a group — can still be helpful.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who needs a supportive sibling (Jan 26):
Reader #1 – “My husband, always a runner, ran his first marathon at age 80. He was hospitalised with COVID before there were vaccines. The doctors were amazed by the health of his lungs.
“This was followed eight months later by a heart procedure, but he continued to run with his doctors’ blessings.
“Slowed down by minor muscle and ligament problems over the past two years, he’s now training for his third marathon in May, at age 84. I’m a race walker, 8K and 10K at 81, without medication.”
Reader #2 – “It’s nice that she’s concerned about him. However, an active lifestyle is the best way to achieve a healthy lifestyle. For septuagenarians, it doesn’t just mean walking in the park. It can mean vigorous sports, especially for those who’ve been active all their lives. At any run, cross-country ski, triathlon, bike or other race, a significant portion of the participants are in their 60s, 70s, 80s, and occasionally, 90+.
“My own sport is long-distance canoe-racing where people in their 70s and even 80s participate in 20k to 100k races taking up to 10 hours.
“These sporty seniors look 10 or 15 years younger than their sedentary counterparts and have better physical and better mental health.
“The rule throughout life should be to keep moving as strenuously as possible, as long as possible. You’ll cope better
with any illness or debility which comes your way if your body is fit.”
Reader #3 – “The writer of the previous letter is one of the most selfish people that I have ever encountered. Her view on her brother is that he should change his whole busy, active and healthy life just to be available to her.
“He is probably much healthier than her. And 71 is not a necessary age to give up activities that a person loves.
“Anyone will remain healthier by being as active as they can while still physically enjoying what they do. I’m wondering which engaged and healthy activities is the sister participating in?
“I’m an active and healthy 78-year-old woman and much healthier than my sedentary husband who’s a little younger than me. Involvement in sports provide great ways to have social contacts. And that is good for continued health too.”
Ellie’s tip of the Day
The sudden death of a beloved life partner requires reassessing how to manage and nurture the whole family.
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