Dear Ellie: When I was a young man of 21, fresh out of university and eager to be part of an exciting world that I felt was at my grasp, I fell deeply in love for the very first time. She was “my everything” — beautiful, smart, fun, and sensuous. She was also my “first,” and sex became a whole new and wondrous magnet of attachment. Then, she dumped me.
I suffered, and cried openly in front of my friends. My “everything” became the haunting ghost of my past, but I eventually moved forward, step by step.
I eventually married a very good woman and we had two children together, but it was a union without deep attachment, and we divorced.
I’m 50 now, wondering if there’s a possibility for me of another great passion, and even whether, if I rediscover my “first” love, there’d be a chance that she’d at least be interested in a reunion with me.
My question: if two people have previously shared their most vulnerable emotions, can these feelings be revived? Does being older and wiser make it easier for me to overlook my long-ago painful disappointment? And can inner yearning resurface between the couple we once were?
Can Past Love Revive?
Your wishful questions are only a beginning, and the answers won’t be felt or known for some time. Still, there’s the possibility of hope, if you search for it.
First, you must find out how to contact your former love and whether she’s living happily in a relationship. You could, then, take the friendly online approach of just “catching up,” or wishing her well for old times’ sake.
But be prepared for the possibility of rejection. Some people, and especially their partners (if such exist) dislike this “old times’ sake” approach. Others may simply be curious — e.g., does he still have a full head of hair, etc.?
My advice? Go slow. Start by asking friends who knew you both, whether your long-ago love is still with someone from the past, or long settled with a partner, and a parent of kids.
If so, a reunion isn’t a casual encounter. Instead, it’s a false dream, or a slow reacquaintance. If she shows interest in “catching up,” you’ll learn the steps involved very soon.
Dear Ellie: I’m considering trusting my five-year-old son with a potentially dangerous skill and buying him a beginner’s professional lock-picking set for his birthday.
My wife is open to being convinced. I see it as a fun, unique and challenging hobby, similar to martial arts. Both are taught to be used ethically and their development can be really empowering for kids.
I admire his developing brain and curiosity about how good he could get at a young age.
I’d learn alongside him, buy new locks from thrift stores and reward his efforts. The one real problem would be his peers at school urging a prank or worse.
Too Dangerous?
Too unnecessary. I’ll accept that you may delight in providing your five-year-old with skills for lock-picking. But why this choice, instead of age-appropriate martial arts?
This idea IS potentially dangerous, by encouraging a bravado gimmick in a youngster unable to discern its downside.
Reader’s Commentary Early Christmas for Snowbird Grandparents (Sept. 27):
“Having an early Christmas doesn’t have to involve Santa. Many Eastern Orthodox Christians, for example, celebrate secular western Christmas on Dec. 25 and then have a religious/ethnic celebration twelve days later in accordance with the Julian calendar. So, call the event the beginning of the Christmas season rather than early Christmas.
“The grandparents’ house would be decorated, as are many houses in November — or maybe they could even put the tree up that day and let the kids decorate it. The gifts would come from the grandparents — and from the children for their grandparents — not from Santa, and there could be a family brunch rather than a dinner.
“It would be somewhat comparable to Advent which has 24 days of presents and/or activities leading up to Christmas. Or like the 12 days of Christmas which at one time, at least for the affluent, involved daily gifts after Christmas until Epiphany. If they are not anti-religion, they could even include Church attendance.
“All of this would make the gathering an important family bonding occasion and a source of wonderful memories without having to have Santa come along.”
Ellie’s tip of the day: First and deep love can be overpowering emotions. But the experience is often a past memory that just won’t fade.
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