Dear Ellie: I’m a woman, age 32, the only child of middle-class parents who bought a property bordering a lake and surrounding area which grew into a vibrant small town.
I enjoyed living amidst nature and having graduated university as a librarian, I was given the top job in the town’s library.
But I’ve had terrible losses. My parents moved to the city 12 years ago, because they both needed specialized health care. Both succumbed to their illnesses.
Soon after, my beloved husband of seven years also died, having fought a losing battle with cancer. I’m alone, again.
Just weeks later, a man whom I’ve only seen at the library a few times, expressed his condolences. I was touched by his thoughtfulness.
Two days later, he approached my desk to discuss the books he’d borrowed.
One week later, he surprised me with two tickets for us to attend a musical together, playing in the closest city. I was shocked by even the idea of going with him… but I went anyways.
I quickly learned that small cities are like small towns when it comes to gossips. The next day, two different women who came into the library, said I should be wary since my “date” is still living with his supposedly “ex-partner.”
I later called him from home and said I wasn’t interested in further contact.
Two years later, I fell in love and married a man who moved here to be with me. Our life together has been magical… until now.
His boss wants him to head a new sector of the company’s business based in a different locale. It means he’ll only come home on weekends (maybe not always).
Do you have realistic advice for me and us, whether this can work, given how lonely and hurt I’ve been since losing so many people in my life?
My Aching Heart
Start planning your here and now, not with “what if…?” You’ve both declared mutual love, and he’s described his company’s plan for him to accept or reject.
In such moves, there are usually bonuses involved, so your husband may be seeking a better lifestyle, financially, for you both.
Also, the new locale may have a library that’d hire you. Or you could live together sharing both environments.
It’s important for you to discuss: 1) Whether long-time close friends and library colleagues etc. are enough weekday company for you; 2) whether being with your spouse every weekend can work; or 3) whether he’s certain he should take the offer. And 4) negotiate a deal that pays for a place for you two to be together wherever you choose.
Dear Ellie: How do I handle an overgenerous friend? We met a lovely couple with a same-age daughter as ours, both in the same class.
We now get together often, with lots of playdates or meetups etc. We gather for dinner at each other’s home occasionally, where the visitor brings beverages and a dessert.
Recently, our friend asked what she could bring for lunch. I said “nothing”, but she insisted, so I suggested something sweet for the kids (our three and their one).
They brought gourmet coffee beans and fresh-baked cinnamon buns totalling over $60!!! I spent less than half of that on homemade brunch.
I’m now uncertain as to what is expected and am anxious about going to their house.
Should I discuss this with my friend or just buy more when visiting them?
Excess Food
Why harm the friendship? Both families and the children like each other. Be casually open about the day-to-day difference in feeding three kids vs one.
Then, serve your own homemade goodies at casual get-togethers.
Dear Ellie: I’ve often wondered why people wear pyjamas to bed, after they’ve already washed their bodies, just to fall sleep.
All my life, in childhood and as an adult, I’ve slept totally naked. To me, it feels like the natural end to a day once I’ve washed thoroughly and brushed my teeth. Not even my parents ever suggested that I should wear pyjamas.
I’ve remained naked in bed over the years, with various partners, wives and lovers. It’s the closest way we can feel connected to each other with full honesty, trust and respect.
Pyjamas just don’t cover those life lessons.
Yet, to my surprise, most of the studies I’ve read show that slightly more than half of people sleep in the buff.
Bed naked
My own response reflects societal change. I’ve slept in “jammies” my whole life. It’s just the way I was raised.
Ellie’s tip of the Day: Choose love and an active personal life over unhappy memories of loss.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
