Dear Ellie: I’m a grieving daughter, 48, whose father has died at 79, but has unexpectedly left a hurtful past behind.
I received a phone call from a woman I’ve never met or heard about, who called to wish me condolences. She said that she and my father had once lived together for a year, in another city. I said that can’t be true because my parents were married till my mom died at 74.
Then I remembered. My father did leave our home for a year when I was age nine, and he’d been offered a better job out west. He’d call every Sunday at 4 p.m., and me and my brother would wait by the phone. My mother baked cookies for us to eat right after the call, and said that she’d already talked to “your father” earlier that day.
However, the woman who claimed to have lived with my dad said that was a “no-divorce” agreement my parents had, which maintained the lie that he was living on his own. When she said that theirs was a passionate romance, I was done with the conversation and hung up, devastated that my early family life was built on a lie.
I told my brother what I’d heard, but he said, “Forget it. Dad came back after that year, that’s all that matters.”
But is it? Is this why I still feel insecure in my own marriage, after 22 years? Or why his weekly “Guys’ Night Out” leaves me lonely and sometimes mistrusting? Also, did my mother’s stoic acceptance of my father’s year away (whatever else was happening) leave me fearing abandonment?
My Father’s Affair
I’m truly sorry for your loss, especially so because you were left with unpleasant hurtful information. It’s unsurprising that it’s left you with doubts and insecurities in your own marriage. But there’s no common thread between your father’s yearlong affair and your husband having a regular night out with his friends.
After 22 years together, you don’t have stay alone when he’s out. Start a potluck get-together among your female friends, or a weekly girls-night at a restaurant. And get tickets with a bestie for one of the rousing musicals or new movies in town, once a month.
When trusted women friends support each other, there’s no worry about “abandonment,” because you’re too busy living fully.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the woman who signed herself “Lost and Lean” (Sept. 26):
“Yes, losing a lot of weight can certainly change a relationship if one partner feels that he or she will be abandoned by the other who’s become a more desirable partner. But ‘drop the bum’ may’ve been a bit harsh as a comment.
“If the man in this case had been abusive before her weight loss, such as calling her nasty weight-related names as a means of demeaning and controlling her, then she should certainly leave him — and should have done so even before her weight loss.
“But if he had been good to her, perhaps she just needs to reassure him that she wasn’t just with him because she thought he was all she could get.
“However, if that is actually the case, then she has to face the unpleasant fact that she was just using him.”
Ellie’s tip of the day: A long-ago story from your family’s past need not affect your own present life and open future.
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