Dear Ellie: I’m a husband and father, and I love my wife. We met in our 30s; we worked in different companies but in the same building. We married within a year. I’m now 52, she’s 54, and I love her as much as ever.
But she no longer wants to have sex, though that was previously a strong bond between us. I’m hurt and confused.
I want to reconnect with the romantic, loving and sexual drive of my wife. But I don’t know how to deal with her changed attitude toward lovemaking.
We rarely argue, equally enjoy a good tennis match together, enjoy dinners out with just us two, or with a few close friends.
I still find her very attractive in every way, and have told her so many times.
We didn’t have children. That was mutually agreed when we dated, due to both being in time-consuming jobs that we’d worked hard to achieve.
For me, going home to be with my wife was always a delight: We shared our stories of the day, and at least weekly, enjoyed sex together.
Asked why she’s now avoiding it, she says only that she’s “over it (sex),” is “done” with her menopause, doesn’t need to see her doctor, and just wants to get on with life.
I’m stumped. We used to talk about anything and everything. What do you advise?
No Reason for No Sex
There’s always a reason when a relationship is abruptly changed by one party… whether it’s about a secret change of heart towards someone else, or a private hurt that’s not been raised or discussed, or… endless other possible factors that are being kept purposefully silent.
Within the field of relationship advice, there’s always the potential red flag of lost love, period, with no explanation.
For example, your wife may not even know what switch she’s turned off. Does she now regret that she didn’t have children? Does she privately blame you for that decision?
Or is a health issue involved, e.g., a difficult menopause.
Frequent readers know some of the obvious answers to pursue: 1) That she see her doctor to discuss potential hormonal and other issues that may be causing her retreat from sexual activity; 2) That she talk to a professional therapist and/or marital counsellor (alone, and then with you) regarding the major change of ending sexual activity together.
If she persists, you may also want to get professional advice for yourself.
Dear Ellie: I married my husband one year ago and we moved to another city. I knew early on that we needed to be far from his mother, because she’s intrusive in our life. She even tried to choose my wedding dress herself, without me.
Yesterday, while making room for clothing in a closet, I found my husband’s jacket pocket held opened letters I’d never seen, all containing negative criticisms of me.
When I told him how hurt I was about his keeping them to himself, he dismissed my reaction, with “that’s my mother, get used to it. I did years ago.” Please advise me!
Invasive Mother-in-Law
You’re way smarter, having moved to another city. However, your husband’s ignoring troubles ahead, by dismissing her criticisms of you.
Insist that you destroy those letters, because they’re purposefully divisive. Write his mother back with neutral-only chat. If hurtful incidents continue, marital counselling with both partners present, can be insightful.
FEEDBACK Regarding the “concerned”’ aunt discussing her niece’s views on contraception (Sept. 22):
Reader – “When the young woman told her mother it’s ‘none of your business,’ that covered the aunt and anyone else as well.
“It may appear logical, even acceptable, that her mother discussed this with her own sister. But it’s an invasion of privacy, especially since the daughter is no longer a child.
“There’s a serious difference between confiding in a friend, and betraying a daughter.
“I find that quite often, letter-writers asking what to do about my husband, wife, mother-in-law, friends, etc…. are little more than busybodies. Concerned? Perhaps.
“But they have NOT been asked for their advice, or their help. When their responses cross that line, I think it’s important that you make that clear.”
Ellie - I agree with you, which is what I did, of course, when I wrote in the very first sentence of my response, that “Your niece was correct that her choice of contraception was no one else’s business.”
Ellie’s tip of the day
When a married partner suddenly denies sex, health and relationship issues should be explored and discussed.
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