Dear Ellie: I’m married to a habitual marijuana user. He told me he used pot regularly before we met, but was on a “hiatus” when we started dating. Since he’s retired, he’s become a chronic user.
He ingests marijuana up to three times or more every day with few exceptions.
It impacts many areas of our life together. He can’t drive when he has used. He slurs his words, talks nonsense, rocks back and forth. His eyes are bloodshot.
I’m now physically repulsed by his demeanour and have asked him to stay in a separate area of the house for my well-being when he’s high.
When I raise it, I’m usually at my wits’ end. He gets very defensive and argumentative. Then he goes to bed for a few hours. The conversation ends with, “I know I’m smoking way too much.”
But generally, there isn’t a plan, just the usual promise to cut down.
In 2019, we made a concrete agreement to keep the usage in check. He set a financial limit. We bought a device that eliminates ingesting smoke. He said he’s giving up smoking in the mornings, and he’d take two days a week off.
The reality: He’s using more now than ever. When I bring it up, he says: “It’s never enough for you!”
Is He Right?
Right or wrong, you both have a serious relationship problem because 1) he hasn’t committed to his own plan to lessen his marijuana use; and 2) you can’t tolerate his behaviour, nor the limiting effects on your life together, or the fact that he’s increasing rather than reducing his chronic use.
However, he may be “correct” rather than “right,” that his efforts to reduce marijuana use will never be enough nor acceptable, in your opinion.
Note: There are sa国际传媒-wide services for people who need help with substance abuse, including overdose prevention. Contact 1-866-585-0445. Narcotics Anonymous has free and virtual support for anyone wanting to stop using drugs. Contact 1-855-562-2262.
If nothing changes positively, consider whether the best possibility for you, personally, is to consider your options, and decide if you two can remain together or live separately as caring friends.
Reader’s Commentary: “As I read about (No Reason for No Sex) NRFNS’s bafflement over his 54-year-old wife’s lack of interest, I considered to myself, ‘What a guy thing to say,’ certain that your response (as a woman) would match how I and the vast majority of my post-menopausal friends feel:
“Sex? Whatever. Been there, done that for 35 years, and don’t really care anymore. There’s no personal angst or deeper hidden meaning, no unresolved relationship issues to explore and no reason to see the doctor. However, cuddles are always welcome, plus flannel pj’s.”
Reality Check
Your personal feelings and those of same-age friends regarding post-menopausal sex during your mid-50s, are a choice, of course. It’s not a debate. Every woman has the right to deal with it as they choose.
Meanwhile, problems can and do arise when/if your partner is still desiring a sexual connection. (A fair question to consider: Do men have that same right to forgo sex if they feel finished with it?)
What’s worth knowing regarding this discussion, is that many people in their 50s, females and males, experience different curiosities and interests in their 60s. And some enjoy relationships and sex, even in their 70s.
In other words, a decision about ongoing healthy sexual intimacy is personal, whatever the age.
FEEDBACK: Regarding the grieving daughter who had doubts about her marriage after hearing from a stranger about her late father’s affair (Oct. 14):
Reader – “I loved your response of giving both positive and proactive advice to the daughter!
“I suspect that you didn’t comment on one aspect, out of graciousness — the fact that the woman from her father’s private past placed her phone call at all.
“But a lesson is here for all, that acting out of bitterness, anger or a desire for revenge (a place from which I suspect the woman caller’s ‘condolences’ had come) can have devastating consequences for innocent parties, i.e., the daughter.
“No matter how much we’ve been hurt by others, our anger or resentment must be directed to the person(s) involved, not to those innocent ones whose lives might be forever traumatized or changed by another’s need to hurt back.
“Love yours and Lisi’s column!”
Ellie’s Tip of the Day
Habitual drug use can destroy a relationship. Seek free help through Narcotics Anonymous: 1-855-562-2262.
Send relationship questions to [email protected] or [email protected]
Follow @ellieadvice.
