Dear Lisi: My best friend’s husband has just ripped me a new one, furious with me that I didn’t tell him about his wife’s affair. In all honesty, I had no idea! I’m pregnant with twins and have a rambunctious toddler. I am exhausted all the time, completely unaware of what’s going on around me.
I didn’t pick up on any cues, she didn’t mention anything to me, and I’ve barely seen her all summer. I understand why her husband is upset, but he can’t yell at me.
He’s a nice guy and my husband likes him a lot. They haven’t become great friends because my husband is Italian and he’s very shy around people as he’s not that fluent in English. But he’s been very welcoming to my husband, and I’ve known him for years.
I feel sad for him, but I’m furious at my friend for not telling me what she was up to. What kind of friendship is that?
Best friend No More
What a terrible turn of events! Let’s take it apart: Your husband could maintain a friendship with this man, if he has the energy, but he doesn’t have to. You could also maintain a relationship with him, if you want. Since your BFF kept you in the dark, your loyalty doesn’t need to be with her.
Now for the friendship…. Most people keep their affairs very secret because the more people you tell, the more chance it has of being exposed. But what is a best friend, if not the one person you tell your secrets to?!? You need to have a word with her. I don’t think this is the end of your friendship, but she’s diminished the importance of your relationship.
The ball is in your court, regarding both your friend and her husband. Do what feels right to you in this moment. Things can, and will, change.
Dear Lisi: My son caught his wife having an affair with a co-worker. They ended up divorced. They share custody of two of the young children; the third, a teenager, was brainwashed to live with the mom and wants nothing to do with her dad. He is a terrific dad to the two young children, spending all his time keeping them involved in sports and social activities. When they are with their mom, all she does is trash talk their dad. They actually complain to him all the time about her trash talking.
She is now trying to convince the 12-year-old to live with her. This child agrees with her out of fear of going against mom’s constant badgering. When she lives with her dad, she is happy and well looked after. I think my son should sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with the older of the two and tell her what caused the divorce.
Is there anything that can be done to stop this trash talking? What are your thoughts?
A concerned grandmother
Your daughter-in-law has to want to stop the trash talking. Neither you nor your son can muzzle her. However, he could have a good talk with her, with a third party, such as a mediator, present. Sabotaging the children’s relationship with their dad isn’t going to be healthy for them in the long run. It’s destructive and could turn against her in the future. She needs to see that.
But I also don’t think that telling the children about her affair is a good idea. Will knowing why she left be beneficial to them? You’re just ping-ponging the kids to now dislike her. It just continues the cycle.
These kids are still too young to know the truth, but they’re old enough to have a say in where and with whom they want to live.
FEEDBACK Regarding the New York mugging (April 25; June 4; July 19):
Reader – “Victims should never be blamed? Yes and no. Certainly, you don’t yell at a pedestrian lying bleeding in the street because he tried to cross six lanes of rush-hour traffic; nor do you castigate someone recently conned out of their life savings because they believed an online ad promising they could become a millionaire in six months through bitcoin. Time enough for gentle remonstrations a few months down the line.
“But some people are victimized repeatedly throughout their lives. It isn’t doing them a favour to pretend that it has nothing to do with their own carelessness, wilful blindness, refusal to plan ahead, etc. I have a friend who has walked from one disaster to another throughout much of her life. Maybe I should have been more critical instead of just a shoulder to cry on.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
