Dear Lisi: My new husband is a marriage counsellor and I think he’s having an affair with one of his clients. We’ve been together for three years, and he’s been in private practice for the last two. Our first year of marriage was stressful as he was getting his practice going and we were living frugally off one income. We joked that people needed to have problems so that we could be happy.
And then the clients started rolling in. Seems the pandemic was hard on many, many marriages. We weathered the storm, got a puppy, and really nested, enjoying our first few years as newlyweds.
This spring, with his steady income thanks to his steady clientele and more coming weekly, we decided it was time to start our family. Easier said than done. What we both desperately tried to avoid in our younger promiscuous years, was seemingly unattainable. We started our fertility journey and with it came a lot of angst, personal issues, blame, regret, etc.
Making a baby became a chore and so we decided, with our doctor’s approval, since we’re still young, to stop for a year and move past all the negativity. I thought we were on the way to better days. I was feeling the chill in our home warm up.
I was both right and wrong. He’s warming up, but having nothing to do with me. He was in the shower and his phone was beeping incessantly. I picked it up thinking it might be important. It was a string of “urgent” texts from one of his clients, needing to speak with him desperately. Each one signed off with a kiss emoji, a heart, or several “x’s.”
Fortunately, I was heading out for my morning run, so it was easy to escape. Now I can think of nothing else. What do I do? Do I confront him?
Unclear counselling
Going for a run was the smartest thing you could have done for yourself in that moment. Good for you. Fresh air and the natural increase of endorphins probably helped keep you from freaking out.
Now you need to talk to your husband. As much as you want to scream and point fingers, you’ll be better served by staying calm and ask him what’s going on. Your discovery was innocent, so don’t let him turn the tables into a snooping blame game.
But be clear with him that if he’s so disturbed by your accidental snoop, then he obviously has something to hide. You two have been through some tough stuff in your short marriage. You’re young and your marriage will be strong if you can work through it. And if you can’t, you have plenty of life ahead of you to find a new partner.
Dear Lisi: My dad has started clenching his teeth and grinding his jaw while he drives. I don’t notice it at any other time, but we don’t live together anymore, so I don’t see him more than twice a week. I know he’s worried about his cousin, who is sick, but he talks about that openly.
Do you think this is a sign of age, or just anxiety?
Concerned Son
Your dad could be clenching and grinding for multiple reasons. But it’s probably a combination of stress and anxiety, as you mentioned. Often when we worry, we lose sleep, which makes us tired. Fatigue forces us to concentrate harder on things we normally do with ease. Many people clench and grind when concentrating.
Don’t be afraid to point it out to your dad, and help him figure out the cause. Once he recognizes he’s doing it, he can attempt to stop himself. He’ll appreciate your noticing.
FEEDBACK regarding the father not understanding his daughter’s desire to divorce her husband (Sept. 23):
Reader — “Her husband is a nice, outgoing guy, friendly and respectful with me, my wife, and with our own aging parents. To me, their relationship seemed ideal.”
“That was exactly the situation with my ex-wife. To my extended family she was an absolute angel. But, in private, she was actually more like the devil, entitled and narcissistic.
“My parents knew something was up, but I didn’t want to discuss it until I had a full plan of action in place.
“My advice to these caring parents is to back off. When, and if, their daughter feels like discussing her situation, she will.
“Her reasons could be anything from cheating and/or abuse, to just not feeling compatible any longer. Hopefully, for the sake of the children, it will all be amicable.
“These caring grandparents should stay available for their grandchildren.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
