Dear Lisi: My cousin is a wonderful person. She’s warm, fun, has lots of friends, and is always up to hang out. Her husband is not as warm, but always amenable to hanging out with us. Except he’s rarely around.
My cousin says he works hard, but they have nothing to show for it. They don’t have children or pets, live in a very small rundown house, and rarely go on vacation. My cousin confessed to me that she’s had enough of his lies because nothing adds up. But she doesn’t know what to do.
It seems he leaves early every morning for the office, comes home late every evening from meetings, and is out of town at least seven days a month, usually more. She’s gone through his pockets and found nothing. She’s tried going through his phone but hasn’t been successful.
I suggested she check the bank records, which she did, but they have a joint account that he deposits money into every month, which is just enough to pay all the bills. No large deposits or debits.
Something is off. What do you suggest?
Fishy spouse
The first thing I suggest you do is talk to your cousin about your involvement. Impress upon her that your relationship as family means everything to you and you don’t want anything to come between you. It’s up to her to decide just how involved she wants you to be.
Often, when someone is too close and relationships implode, that person gets pushed away because they knew too much, were too involved. You want to avoid that.
Next, I suggest your cousin gets honest with herself in her suspicions. Does she think he’s cheating? Having an affair? Has a gambling problem? A drug addiction? She may have no idea, but it will guide her as to next steps.
For example, if she thinks he’s having an affair, she may want to engage a private investigator. If she thinks he has an addiction, she may want to speak to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon expert.
Offer her your love and support but let her guide you as to how involved she’d like you to be.
Dear Lisi: Bullying has been around since the beginning of time. I don’t believe it will ever go away. We are a judgemental society generally.
Here’s my question: What can we teach our bullied children? I believe we need to teach them how to deal with this as opposed to trying to make the bully stop. But I don’t know what that looks like. I don’t know what to teach them.
I don’t think anyone has any faith in the “zero tolerance” plan. Bullying is destroying our young people’s self-worth and self-esteem. Partly because we have put so much victim mentality into being bullied.
I want to teach my grandchildren how to deal with it. To rise above. To conquer it. The bully can bully off. They need to figure out their own stuff. I want to help the bullied overcome. Any ideas and suggestions would be welcome. I am at a loss.
Guiding Granny
Yes, there will always be bullies. Why? Because some people don’t know how else to gain confidence other than through putting other people down. Bullies are weak, mentally, and are insecure and lack confidence.
Teach your grandchildren to believe in themselves and to know their own worth. It doesn’t hurt to get them into some sort of self-defence class, such as karate, judo or taekwando. All three teach discipline, calm, mental strength as well as the ability to defend oneself against someone stronger and/or bigger.
FEEDBACK Regarding the poor poolside manners (July 8):
Reader – “The parents of those pool party guests SHOULD have reminded them to exhibit exemplary behaviour at their friend’s house. They should have impressed upon them to be polite, pick up after themselves and say thank you. Obviously, those parents need a reboot on parenting skills.
“I taught grade 8 in the Hamilton, Ont., area for 35 years. Never had an issue with cellphones. I was fair, but firm with my students. With all my trips camping, to Ottawa, theatre and assemblies I reminded my students: “Your behaviour today is a reflection of your parents, and you are ambassadors of our school.” My students always said thank you to all involved, especially veterans at my Remembrance Day Service. Never once did I need them to clean up their mess.
“From time to time, I bump into one of my former students and they still thank me.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
