Dear Lisi: My sister-in-law is totally passive aggressive. She’s all smiles and friendly, but then her husband — my husband’s brother — will say things that are obviously her concerns. I find it infuriating! If you have something to say, or an issue you need to discuss, don’t send a messenger and pretend you know nothing about it. It’s taken me a few years to recognize her pattern and M.O. (modus operandi, i.e., method of operation), and now we seem to be in an awkward dance.
Why can’t she just be up front? It’s so frustrating!
Dance partner
Have you asked her? I happen to be a person who doesn’t shy away from confrontation, and I was always taught that if you don’t ask for what you want, it’s not just going to show up or happen. But I recognize that not everyone is wired the same way.
However, in this situation, you may want to have a chat with your SIL. Take her out for lunch, talk about the family, and then say simply, “If you ever want to tell me anything, or have an issue, I would appreciate it more if you spoke with me directly instead of going through our husbands.”
Tell her that you are happy to discuss anything with her, but directly. She may be too shy, or insecure; or she may be manipulative and her way works better to her benefit. I’m not sure without more information.
Dear Lisi: My friend believes that the sky is falling at the best of times. She is scared of everything. She literally wouldn’t leave her house during the COVID-19 pandemic, not even to get food. She was living with a roommate, as we are in university, and wouldn’t even go in the kitchen if her roommate was in there, because the roommate was coming and going, from friends’ homes, the library, and stores. Her roommate couldn’t take it and left, and my friend moved to a smaller apartment on her own.
Now she won’t leave her house again because of the political situation and all the protests and rallies on campus. She’s neither Jewish nor Palestinian, but she’s still too scared to come out.
How can I help this girl? I’m afraid she’s going to lose her mind from fear. Her family live far away, on a farm in the country, and are oblivious to everything.
Scared country girl in the city
Your friend needs more help than you can give her, unfortunately. She needs to talk to a professional. Most of her fears, worries and concerns are probably valid, but she needs to learn how to filter the information she’s receiving, how to weed out fact from frenzy, and how to react accordingly to live a healthy and fulfilling life.
The pandemic was scary in the beginning because we didn’t have enough information. Now we understand the virus, have medical prevention and treatment, and have learned how to live with it in our world.
The political situation on university campuses right now is scary and out of control. She’s not wrong to be nervous and afraid. But she has to learn how to manage the situation — by staying away from hot spots, by sticking to places where she feels safe — and live her life.
Hopefully, the acute aggression and controversy will end soon. But something else will crop up because that is the world in which we live. She needs to talk to a professional to arm herself with the tools she needs to protect her mental health.
As her friend, you can stand by her and support her.
FEEDBACK Regarding the neighbour complaining of a barking dog (Oct. 16):
Reader – “I was a bit puzzled today by your response. Nowhere in the letter was there a mention of pot smoking, merely - smoking. I imagine you had edited the letter for publication and in the process, inadvertently removed a major context of your response.
“Sometimes your responses refer to facts not mentioned in the published letter. Just the other day you referenced the writer’s gender (female), where no mention of her gender was in the published version.
“Granted, these omissions are not likely to cause any sleep loss among your readership, but it’s more satisfying when we’re along for the ride.
“That observation notwithstanding, your advice is overwhelmingly sensible. Keep up the good work.”
Lisi – The writer said, “I see her daily, on her porch, at her computer, smoking, and know from the smell that it’s not tobacco.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
