Dear Lisi: My boyfriend surprised me with a trip to New York for the holidays. We’ve been dating for six months and have spent many nights together. We’re both in our late 20s. He picked me up for dinner and told me to pack a weekend bag as we were planning on spending the night at a hotel downtown.
We had champagne in the car, and I wasn’t paying attention until I realized we were at the airport. He had everything we needed to get on the plane, and I was so surprised I didn’t think about anything.
A car picked us up on the other end and took us to a fabulous restaurant, where we laughed and drank the night away. We went back to the hotel, where he promptly fell asleep fully clothed. The next day was fun, with activities he had planned, another nice restaurant, but again, he fell asleep fully clothed.
How can a relationship flourish if one person falls asleep every night, especially in the most romantic city, on a romantic holiday?
Confused
I take it from your letter, that the nights you spent together in your home city, he didn’t fall asleep on you. And if I read between the lines, you two have already been intimate. And it sounds as though he put in a lot of effort (and spent a decent amount of money) on this weekend. So, he’s trying, that’s obvious.
If your issue is that you feel sexually rejected, then you must talk to him about that as soon as possible. And though you may really enjoy each other’s company, if you’re not on the same page sexually, it can become a problem that seriously affects your relationship.
But I get the feeling that he was nervous how the whole weekend would pan out, and drank alcohol at night to quash his nerves, coupled with the exhaustion he felt after putting so much energy into the planning of this surprise trip. I’m not sure his passing out was anything more than his body shutting down to re-energize. I suggest you reciprocate by inviting him over to your house for a home-cooked meal, and some intimacy, including a sleepover and breakfast.
If it doesn’t go the way you would like, you might have to rethink this relationship.
Dear Lisi: I don’t know what’s happened to my older brother. He used to be so fun, hanging out with me all the time, playing video games, watching movies and basketball on TV, going for bike rides in the warmer weather and playing shinny in the backyard in the winters.
Now all he wants to do is go to the gym with his friends, stare at his phone or listen to music in his room by himself. He never smiles, never laughs and upsets my parents by being rude and mumbling at the dinner table.
What is going on with him and how can I get back my happy, fun-loving brother?
Sad Sib
Puberty and the teenage years can be challenging. It’s a time of change and growth, but it also comes with moodiness, uncertainty, attitude and sass.
So, in a nutshell, adolescence is what’s “happened” to your brother. But it doesn’t mean he’ll be like this forever. Don’t take it personally; it’s not about you.
I suggest you continue to ask your brother to watch TV, play video games, do fun things, but be prepared for him to say no. And have a plan B ready.
Also, ask if you can join him at the gym, or in his room. Again, he’ll probably say no, but don’t take it personally.
Though he won’t show it, none of this will go unnoticed. He’ll appreciate it, I guarantee.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who has fallen in love with a smoker (Nov. 15):
Reader – “The woman who has fallen in love with the smoker who stinks so bad that she has a hard time being close to him has two options: RUN and RUN FAST. Nothing else matters.
“He will not change, and she will not be able to make him change. She will find someone else with the same characteristics she likes in him, without the stench.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the response to the mother-in-law regarding her cold and distanced daughter-in-law (Nov. 15):
Reader — “Big mistake to speak to her son about this. If the daughter-in-law ever finds out, she will be rightfully furious. As a mother-in-law and mother, I’ve learned that when it comes to marriage, grandkids and parenting — it’s best to Mind Your Own Business.”
Lisi — Well said, and probably a good point.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
