Dear Lisi: We have a problem with our sister-in-law. We’re a family of seven siblings and our oldest brother was the first to get married. Initially, we thought this woman was “ideal,” as she was of the same religion, a professional, had good parentage (as far as we knew) and no known scandals in the community. She was also the first-born in her family of five siblings. So, it seemed a perfect match from the get-go.
The only thing we missed is that her family came from a different region than ours, and in the past, there were issues between the two regions. We thought it was history.
Shortly after the wedding, they moved to California. She had no problem landing a job in her career. But my brother couldn’t find employment. So together they decided he should go back to school for medicine. She seemed to blame our parents for underfunding their son’s professional career and took it upon herself to put him through medical school. The most affordable for her budget was in our home city (in another country). While apart, she was curt and dismissive to our brother.
While he was home, our father died and our mother needed help. As the eldest brother, the responsibility fell on him. His wife was uninterested in coming to visit until he threatened divorce. On the rare occasion that she did return home, she would tell all of us, his siblings, that once he becomes a doctor, we will never see him again or receive one penny.
What is this woman’s problem, and how should we siblings deal with her? She’s blocking our connection with our brother.
In-law Outlaw
Everything you shared with me is the back story and gives me some insight into what is going on, but not much. Your sister-in-law, as you depict her, sounds ruthlessly ambitious. It’s great that she chose to better her opportunities by moving to California, and even more wonderful that she is putting her husband through medical school, assuming he wants to be a doctor.
But it also sounds as though she wants to cut all ties with her background, including where she comes from, which includes all of you since you still live “back home.” You mentioned that your brother, as the eldest, was responsible for caring for your father after his accident, and now caring for your mother in her widowhood. Obviously, this sister-in-law would have known this tradition since she is from the same culture.
It’s important to speak with your brother and make sure that he is happy in his new life, with his wife. She sounds controlling and potentially abusive from what you’ve written. The biggest red flag being that she has blocked your contact with your brother. But you can figure that out — call him at work, call one of his friends, call the house when she’s not home.
If you are really worried, one of the remaining six of you might feel the need to physically check on him.
FEEDBACK Regarding the person feeling low (May 14):
Reader #1 – “Your advice for Feeling Low to visit the doctor is good. However, many in the medical field do not appreciate all the symptoms and effects of the currently supplied virus of the COVID-sars-2 variety. Many people are suffering long-term effects; unusual fatigue is only one.
“If the writer does not believe in COVID, s/he should have their doctor thoroughly investigate and specifically rule out long COVID. Many people believe COVID is over, but only the emergency has been declared over. So many people have these symptoms (especially teachers and health care workers) and drop out of society due to the lack of knowledge and information that should be provided by public health.”
Reader #2 – “I have seen some news in the media that COVID is again on the increase. I recently stumbled into a work colleague from 15 years ago. We set up a coffee meet with a third colleague. The day before, he cancelled with descriptions similar to this letter. While trying to reschedule, he disclosed that he had been suffering from his second bout of COVID.
“Family and friends alike will be more understanding if people are open with how they’re feeling. No one wants to get COVID if they can avoid it. And anyone who is, or lives with someone who is, immunocompromised must be extra careful. As do seniors, pregnant women, children and anyone else who is vulnerable.”
Reader #3 – “I think your reader is depressed. Some of her symptoms are a clear result. She should talk to someone to get to the root of what’s bothering her.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnis based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
