Dear Lisi: My partner was in London, England, this year. He was hoping to see the incredible play “The Lehman Trilogy” by Stefano Massini, but due to scheduling conflicts, he couldn’t make it happen.
In May, the Canadian Stage announced this same play would be part of its 2023/24 season in Toronto, close to where we live. So, as a gift, I got us tickets to opening night.
Fast forward to today, a week before the show, and we sat down to compare calendars. My partner never bothered to put the date into his calendar, and now has booked a dinner with his ex. He even had the audacity to suggest I move the tickets to a new date.
Should I stand my ground and have him try to find a new dinner date with his ex?
Backfire in the Balcony
Absolutely! Dinner can be easily rescheduled, tickets to a show, not so much. Your partner clearly knows that theatrical shows have limited engagements, limited seating and high price points. Whereas, a dinner can be had on any day, at any time, at any restaurant.
Plus, it’s important in any relationship to make your partner feel special. Partners should feel that being together is meaningful and takes priority. I like that he is still in touch with his ex; it shows a kindness and compassion that many people don’t have, and also speaks volumes about the relationship they had, and how it ended.
But he’s your partner now, and you take precedence. That doesn’t mean you can take advantage, and insist he break plans on a whim, but this was planned in advance.
Talk it through, explain clearly that you can’t switch the dates of the show, and hope he sees the light. If not, this could be a turning point.
NOTE – This question came to my attention after the fact. I hope that the letter-writer managed to see the production, with or without his partner. I’m also curious to know how things played out.
FEEDBACK Regarding the man binge eating at night (Nov. 8):
Reader – “I’m providing a comment with respect to your advice to the loving wife who is desperate to curtail her husband’s nighttime eating for concern about his health. I believe that there may be more going on with him than just excess snacking, and that simple solutions like locking the fridge or nutrition counselling may not address the root causes of his compulsive behaviour.
“That letter could have been written by my mother and I feel great empathy for the writer. My father would raid the fridge several times a night and was almost 300 pounds when he died 40 years ago at the young age of 53.
“In reflection, I believe that he must have been depressed, stressed and feeling helpless in the face of factors affecting different areas of his life over which he had no control. The subconscious, compulsive eating may have been a coping mechanism. Of course, back in those days, men like him didn’t open up about such things and he must have been suffering in silence. His doctor’s simplistic advice to exercise self-discipline and manage calories was patronizing and unhelpful.
“Sadly, many wellness professionals today have not changed their messaging on this issue, despite the recognition that weight control is more complex than we used to think. Hopefully, the writer and her husband will have success with a doctor who is willing to investigate the root causes of the binge eating.
“There is likely a lot more going on in an overweight person’s life than those who pass judgement realize. People should instead practise kindness and compassion because some day, because of physical or mental health issues, or trauma, they may find themselves in the same boat.”
Reader 2 – “Binge eating, in the manner the husband is doing it, is also referred to as ‘secret binge eating’ and is largely emotionally based. I speak from a place of knowledge and experience. There is risk attached to secret eating and that risk can be attractive.
“While I agree with some of the suggestions for intervention, I would also suggest that counselling and a visit to the family doctor would be beneficial. There may also be a medical explanation with regard to impulse control.
“As well, it’s unfair to place the responsibility on the support spouse to manage the behaviour of the spouse in crisis. She can’t fix him and hiding food, locking the fridge, and even a personal trainer will not identify the root cause of his disordered eating.”
Just my two cents as a long since recovered secret binge eater.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected] or [email protected]
