Dear Lisi: My girlfriend and I were together for almost two years. We met in university and had a great relationship. We were both focused on our programs and studies, we both had part-time jobs to help us make some spending money, and we both lived alone for our first year. She had apartment issues, so I suggested we live together. We both had our own room, but we were a couple. It was very healthy, until…
One day I came home from the library and found her snuggling on the couch with another woman. She acted like it was no big deal and introduced me as her roommate. I was so shocked; I just went into my room. When I emerged, she was gone. I called her a few times, left a few messages, but she never replied.
That night I stayed with a friend, and when I returned in the morning, my roommate/girlfriend was gone, her room completely emptied. I called her numerous times, but she hasn’t responded. I called the landlord and informed them of the situation, and they’ve given me a break for January.
But what happened to my girlfriend? Who just up and ghosts their partner of two years? And how am I supposed to process everything with no communication?
Ditched and Dumped
Closure is important, and it sounds as though you won’t be getting any — which means you must process this all on your own. I have no idea why your girlfriend would behave so callously and change her affections on a dime. It doesn’t add up. However, we must remember that we cannot control how other people behave; we can only control how we react.
Give yourself a break, and time to process this loss. But there’s no point in feeling guilty, because you’ll never know what happened that pulled (or pushed) your girlfriend away. It’s the new year — be kind to yourself.
Dear Lisi: A few days ago, a woman I know did something unkind to me. We share an office space and have done for several years. We met through the landlord, both needed what the space offered, and found a way to mutually benefit from each other’s existence.
Over time we became friends. We’d share food in the kitchen, often take meals or coffee breaks together, and even bounce ideas off each other as we are in totally different fields. It was nice to give or get a fresh perspective. We gained each other’s trust and shared private information, family matters and grew closer.
After about a year, we decided to go out for dinner and bring our spouses. That was a fun night, the men got along well, but we didn’t make it a habit. I think we both just liked our private friendship. I think we just wanted to put a face to the name.
As I said, she just stabbed me in the back. Without my knowledge, she bought the office space from the landlord, and without any advance warning, she kicked me out. As per my contract with the original landlord, I have been given six weeks to get my things and go. I tried talking to her, but she sent her husband as her muscle and refused any conversation.
What do I do?
Booted
You focus on the present, start packing, and spend your time looking for a new office space. You have limited time to get this done, so you need to dial in. Once the surprise has worn off, and you’ve found somewhere new and moved out, you can try to talk to her. But I don’t think you should waste your energy. She was never a real friend.
FEEDBACK Regarding the man child (Nov. 5):
Reader 1 – “Her husband may well have a serious medical problem. What child ever asked, ‘do I want cake?’ My mother disguised her frontal lobe dementia for a while by always ‘allowing’ me to order first at the restaurant and then saying, ‘I’ll have the same.’”
Reader 2 – “His problem may well be the onset of dementia. My husband lived with this disabling illness for 11 years. He was a successful businessman who loved to talk but that slowly diminished. When in a restaurant, he started saying, “I’ll have the same as my wife,” though he never liked what I ate. He couldn’t make decisions quickly. He didn’t enter group conversations because his mind no longer worked fast enough; it was easier for him to be quiet and listen.
“His wife needs to talk to him gently, ask if he’s noticed a difference and then see a doctor.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
