Dear Lisi: My husband went away for a weekend with his friends. It’s an annual camping event where they bring their “fun” into the woods, sit and get silly for a few days. They usually just goof around and keep it light. This isn’t the time when they solve the world’s issues.
However, my husband has returned and something has changed. He keeps talking about his one friend who is going through divorce. This divorce was brought on because the wife cheated on her husband, he found out, confronted her, and she chose to be with the other guy.
Since he’s been home, I have found him rummaging through my purse (he said he was looking for my keys because he couldn’t find his); rummaging through my sock drawer (on the premise of borrowing a pair); and looking in my bedside drawer (the excuse for this was tissue). I think he’s trying to “find” something.
We don’t have the best relationship, but I’ve never cheated on him, and I don’t think he’s ever cheated on me. What do you think this is all about?
Cheating Check up
Something has got under your husband’s skin – whether it’s something his friend told him, or a gut feeling, he’s in detective mode. I can’t figure out whether he’s checking to see if you’ve cheated on him, or whether or not you know that he’s cheated on you. But he’s definitely insecure at the moment.
There’s nothing else to do but talk to him. Get him out of the house, on a walk, or out for dinner, where you can’t raise your voices and start fighting. You want to just talk. Tell him you get the impression that something his friend said has awoken something in him.
Reassure him that you have not cheated on him, and that he can ask you anything, ask to see anything, but that looking through your personal belongings without invitation feels invasive. And then ask him point-blank if he has anything he wishes to share with you. Now is the time.
If he does admit to transgressions, get third-party help to decide how you wish to move forward. If he doesn’t, but you suspect something, tell him so. But if his friend just wound him up, making him feel insecure about your relationship, tell him that you understand and that you’d love to spend some quality time with him to assuage those feelings.
Dear Lisi: I was recently promoted to head bartender at my summer job. I’ve worked here for three months this year, and I worked as a bar back last summer. The owner of the bar is really nice and easygoing, and we get along great. However, this year’s manager does not like me, and I have no idea why.
If I do the slightest thing “wrong” he tells the owner. Twice the owner has told him not to worry about such minor issues and to focus on his own job. But I think that just makes him hate me more.
Last week, I went to take out the trash and some patrons were smoking weed out back. I walked into a plume of smoke. They apologized, I dumped the trash and went back in. The next day the owner called me and asked if I had been smoking pot while working. I told him the story and he believes me.
But how do I deal with this manager on my case for the rest of the summer?
Bartender Blues
You have the owner on your side. Ask him what you should do. Keep doing your job to the best of your ability and try not to give the manager any fuel.
FEEDBACK Regarding the dad concerned about his daughter’s lack of dance skills (June 20):
Reader – “I danced in my youth for about 15 years; still take lessons occasionally as an adult; and now write about dance in different ways.
“The vast majority of dance students do not turn professional. I’d like parents of dance students to instead focus on the many other benefits of dance lessons: friendships, fitness, joy, a form of expression that doesn’t involve words, confidence to stand up in front of others, teamwork, the ability to seamlessly move from leader to follower, understanding practice, getting back up after failure, learning how the body expresses itself and connects with others, confidence in how one’s body moves… the list goes on.
“My friends from my dance days have gone into teaching, the military, nursing, and funeral directing, all jobs requiring those skills. We learned a lot from dance.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
