Dear Lisi: We are four friends, all married with children, who have known each other since high school. We were part of a larger group, but found ourselves in the same city, in the same life stages, and stuck together. I’m very close with two of them and love them dearly.
But the fourth is causing me problems and I don’t know how to deal with it. We aren’t that close and we’re different in many ways, but we’ve always had a decent relationship. For the past six months, though, at least, she has become very combative with me, especially in our group chats.
At first, I thought she was joking, but then two of the other women, separately, commented on the exchanges between us. I try to make light of whatever issue she has raised, I try to be as accommodating as possible, but it always gets to a point where I just stop engaging.
I don’t want to be the one to break up our foursome, but I can’t take it much longer. It’s not pleasant and it’s upsetting. It’s getting to the point where I just don’t want to be part of the gang anymore.
How can I sort this out?
Four is too many
You’re not going to like this, but … you need to talk to this woman face-to-face and tell her how you feel. Best case, she has no idea how she’s making you feel, doesn’t mean it, and apologizes. Worst case, you guys have it out and the foursome is no more. Most likely, the result will be somewhere in the middle, where she feigns surprise at how upset you are, gives a weak attempt at an apology, but continues her behaviour.
In the last case, the onus will fall on you to decide how much more you can take. If nothing changes, for your own mental health, you’re going to have to break away. But be honest and open with your other friends and make your best efforts at maintaining those friendships separately.
Dear Lisi: My girlfriend has a problem and I’m not sure how to help her. She steals from the grocery store near her parents’ home in the small town where she grew up. She doesn’t steal from any other establishment, as far as I have witnessed, and we have been together for 18 months.
I saw her do it once, but when I called her out, she convinced me that she had completely forgotten to pay for the product. I believed her until I caught her a second time. Same store, same product. We had a huge fight. She refused to apologize to me for lying the first time I caught her AND she refused to return the items.
My girlfriend is in her second year of university, studying accounting, and hopes to also get her MBA. But she doesn’t think that what she did was wrong. How can I get her to see that what she’s doing is NOT OK?!?
Unbelievable
This isn’t so unbelievable. I spoke with a psychologist who specializes in helping people with obsessive-compulsive disorders. She informed me that kleptomania is a mental health disorder that involves being unable to stop oneself from stealing. Since the items stolen are often of no importance, it becomes not stealing out of need, but from a compulsion.
Your girlfriend would benefit from talking to a therapist who understands her symptoms, gets her a proper diagnosis, and then follows through with appropriate treatment.
Your relationship may not weather this deep introspection, but I imagine that one day she will recognize that your goal was to help her.
FEEDBACK Regarding the poopy puppy parents (Nov. 27):
Reader #1 – “The new puppy owners should invest in a dog crate. When neither partner can supervise the puppy, after walk and playtime, it should be in the crate. The puppy won’t want to mess in its ‘den,’ and with support, should quickly become house-trained. Ditto for chewing shoes, etc.
“There are many resources available for teaching new dog owners how to train puppies and use the crate effectively… pooping puppy parents should do some research, together.”
Reader #2 – “This sounds like a warning as to what her husband will be like with children. She’ll have to be ‘all hands in’ while he won’t be able to take care of the kids even when he’s home. I imagine he takes care of himself while working from home. He could also be able to ensure the dog is let out. Looks like a red flag for sure.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
