Dear Lisi: My nephew was having a party, celebrating his 30th birthday. He invited my kids, his cousins, who are all in their 20s. He’s close with two and loves the third but they don’t spend time together. That child of mine is quiet, academic, and prefers a night home with her puppy than being out.
She was torn as to how to respond to the invitation. I told her to accept, go with her siblings, and then bow out early. The party was called for 9 p.m., but on the night of, my nephew’s girlfriend called to say they were running late and not to come until 9:30 p.m.. My daughter called me in tears. She was exhausted and didn’t want to go. I told her she didn’t have to, and she could come and stay with me (I was already babysitting her puppy).
The other two went and had a great night, which turned into morning. They are both very social, love to stay out late, and enjoy drinking and dancing. They came over for a late brunch to tell me all about it.
Before they even arrived, my sister called to berate me for “allowing” my daughter to be a “no-show” at her cousin’s important event. She was extremely “disappointed” in both me and my daughter and said that her son was “extremely hurt.”
I’m shocked at her audacity, but I feel so badly that my daughter is now in this ridiculous position. How can I help the situation?
Cousin squabble
Invite your nephew over for a celebratory dinner; after all, turning 30 is a big milestone and you mentioned how close you are as a family. If you have the room and the means, include his parents (at least your sister, his mom), and your three children. Again, if you have the means, get him a thoughtful and meaningful gift.
Allow your daughter the opportunity to speak with him alone, to explain her anxieties and her reasons for not attending his event. That should clear up any misunderstanding and his extreme hurt. Then talk to your sister and agree that now that your children are all adults, you two should stay out of their issues and let them work them out for themselves.
Dear Lisi: I have a younger brother with whom I’m close. He dated a woman for 10 years; they’re now married with a son. The problem is her lack of participation.
She calls herself a wife yet keeps her own bank account, washes only hers and the baby’s laundry, and rarely does anything for my brother.
She wakes up early in the morning for work, which is her excuse not to clean or run errands. My brother works from home, watches my nephew and runs the house. We are often asked to help financially, or with baby needs when he is financially strapped, yet she spends her money on toys and knick-knacks instead of contributing to the household bills.
We’ve tried to talk sense into him, but he doesn’t view her as we do, and insists we just “don’t understand her.”
How do we navigate this storm now that this selfish princess seems to be stuck with us forever?
Save our Sib
Back off, sis. Your brother loves his wife, the mother of his child. He isn’t complaining about his stay-at-home parenting, and appears to be navigating that, his job, and running the home. I’m happy to hear he’s asking for help from his family when he needs it.
You may not agree with how his wife rolls, but it’s not your business unless it’s negatively affecting the child in a harmful way. Support your brother and nephew any way you can. He’ll either work it out, or he’ll need you.
FEEDBACK Regarding the teenager disputing his teacher’s information (Jan. 31):
Reader – “This might have been more helpful: When you know more than the teacher (or boss, or friend, etc.) how do you share that knowledge without making them feel bad?
“That’s a life skill worth knowing.”
FEEDBACK Regarding thank yous (Nov. 25; Dec. 15; Feb. 5):
Reader – “I believe the art of thanking people has fallen by the wayside. We’ve recently been invited to three weddings. One was out of town, so we had to get a hotel. In each case, we received no thanks from the bride and groom for our generous gifts. No thanks, no acknowledgement, nothing.
“Why? Is the new trend to be ungrateful? I realize it’s a busy time for a couple. I’m not asking for a letter in the mail the next week. I’d be OK with an emailed thank you, but there is absolutely nothing.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
