Dear Lisi: My husband is extremely literal and it’s enough to drive myself and our two teenage daughters crazy. He doesn’t understand nuance, intonation or insinuation. If I ask him to pick up some groceries, he needs to know exactly what before he can even say yes or no! What’s the difference?!
When our daughters ask him to drive them somewhere, he needs to know the EXACT address before he’ll even agree. Sometimes they don’t know the answer but need to know if they can get a lift. I usually chime in and say yes, but there are times when I’m unavailable and we all know that he IS available.
How can we get him to loosen up?
Too Specific
I think your husband might benefit from getting checked out. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with him, but it sounds as though he could have a condition that affects his capability for abstract thinking. Has he had a brain injury? Is he on the spectrum? Could he have a personality disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder?
None of this makes him “less than” – it would just help to know why his brain works the way it does. With that knowledge, you can then learn tools that will help you and your daughters talk to him in a way that his brain will comprehend.
This knowledge will be helpful to everyone, especially your husband. He may have an inkling that something is wrong, but he may be scared. Offer to go with him to the doctor; it’s also important for the doctor to know what you’re seeing and what you think the issues are. In my experience, people who have any type of cognitive issues don’t usually recognize or want to admit to the issues.
Dear Lisi: My new neighbours moved in this past summer. They’re a nice couple with a son in university and a daughter in high school. Both go to school out of state. They seem to be lovely kids on the occasion when I have seen them in passing.
The couple are friendly enough when we see each other in passing. They got a puppy about a month after moving in. I expected yipping and barking, which I don’t mind. She’s a super cute pup and is always happy to see me when we bump into each other on our morning walks.
However, over the holidays, due to some work commitments, the couple stayed at home and took in four other dogs to watch for people who were going out of town. The noise was unbelievable! There was constant barking, literally all day and into the night. Luckily, I’m an early riser because the dogs started their cacophony around 6 a.m.
I bumped into one member of the couple on Boxing Day and she apologized profusely for the noise – and then she burst into tears! She apologized again and quickly went into her house.
What am I supposed to do now?
Neighbours
Well, that depends on how much time you have, and how involved you want to become. If fear creeps in at the mere mention of getting involved, then do nothing, keep to yourself and be happy that the dogs are only temporary.
If you’re free and/or feeling empathetic, you could knock on the door and ask if she would like help taking the dogs for a walk. You could walk and talk and find out why she was crying.
Neighbours aren’t instant friends, but they can become helpful acquaintances. Your next steps are entirely up to you – and there is no right or wrong answer.
FEEDBACK Regarding fake it till you make it (Oct. 29):
Reader #1– “I recently had a similar experience. I recognized the woman who sometimes came to a dance class I have attended for years, but didn’t recall any interaction with her other than brief nods of hello. I was therefore dumbfounded when one day, while we happened to be situated beside each other, she started talking about things of which I had no memory. When she started recalling how we used to carpool to the class, I knew something was off. Turns out she was confusing me with another class participant of similar build and colouring!”
Reader #2 – “I would take it as a HUGE compliment that this woman was exuberant and excited to see me. What an ego boost!
“Your suggestion of going for coffee to have a more relaxed discussion is a great idea. Maybe something will remind you of more time spent together.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions at [email protected].
