Dear Lisi: My question has to do with having sex … and then regretting it. I went away for the holidays with my family, my sister, my cousins and a bunch of our friends’ families. We had so much fun! We all hung out on the beach, playing sports, and at night we had big dinners, and the young people all went back to the beach at night. We were drinking and smoking pot most nights.
One night, I drank a little too much and then smoked. I was very happy and free. I started fooling around with a guy I’d been flirting with and was excited that he was into me. One thing led to another, and we had sex on the beach, away from everyone else.
When I woke up in the morning, I regretted my actions. I had only just wanted to flirt, maybe fool around a little. I was in no way ready to have sex with this person. I was very grateful that he left the next day, but I’m ashamed and avoiding him, which is hard because he keeps Snapping me.
What do I do? We go to the same school and I’m eventually going to see him on campus.
Poor Decisions
Don’t beat yourself up. Under the influence of drugs and alcohol, you made a poor choice and now you regret it. You aren’t the first person this has happened to, and you certainly won’t be the last.
But you can turn this around. The important question is whether you like this guy and have any interest in starting a relationship with him. If yes, then be brave and reach out. Ask him out on a date, tell him that you like him, and you’d like to spend time together. But also tell him that you went too fast and want to go slow. You’ll know what kind of person he is when he responds.
If you don’t like him and have no interest in building a relationship with him, then let it go. But don’t avoid him.
Dear Lisi: I just found out that one of my coworkers is having sexual relations with our director, who is engaged to our manager! I have no idea why she’s put herself in this precarious position, but she’s in deep.
I’m new to the company but was brought in by a friend who is friends with this co-worker. My friend unfortunately had to quit due to a family death overseas, and the coworker and I have become more friendly ever since. But we’re not close, so I didn’t know anything about her private life.
Straight out of a TV show, I was in the bathroom and heard someone crying in the next stall. I recognized her shoes, and asked, “Is that you?” She then told me the whole story, which I wish I didn’t know, and begged me not to tell anyone.
But what do I do? This is too big of a secret! She could lose her job. I could lose my job. And I really like our manager. The whole thing is a mess!
TMI
I’m glad you reached out because now that you’ve told someone, the secret shouldn’t be weighing as heavy.
Your co-worker has got herself in a pickle, and yes, she may get fired. But I don’t see why your job is on the line. Nevertheless, I would distance myself, so ask HR to move you to a different manager, hopefully under a different supervisor.
You also have a moral decision to make based on your loyalty. It’s not your secret to spill if your loyalty is to your co-worker. But if your loyalty is to your manager, then you may want to protect her from heartache.
FEEDBACK Regarding the person searching for the Big O (Oct. 26):
Reader – “I wouldn’t purchase this type of item online, especially without seeing it first. I suggest visiting a store. The attendants are quite knowledgeable regarding the products. Safety also needs to be considered. It may surprise people that there are safety standards for these products and reputable manufacturers openly display them on their packaging. The ones online are generally just name brands, but stores often have their own products, of equal or better quality, features and at lower prices.
“The ‘egg’ may not be the best product for her. Shopping and researching would expose her to wider variety and options of products. Her ‘sensitivity’ and her ‘erogenous zones’ may dictate that her friend’s ‘egg product’ may not be best for her. It could be too intense or not intense enough and may not be quite hitting the right spots.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
