Dear Lisi: My mother-in-law holds a grudge like nobody’s business. Thankfully, I have always been on her good side. My brother-in-law is not so lucky. The poor guy can’t catch a break with her. She doesn’t like the way he hugs her whenever they greet each other; she doesn’t like the way he eats his soup at a restaurant; and she especially doesn’t like the way he is so strict when it comes to certain areas of parenting.
Meanwhile, my sister-in-law (her daughter) hugs her the exact same way, has terrible table manners, and the parenting rules stem more from her than from him, though he agrees with most things she recommends. The main grudge comes from something he supposedly did on their wedding night. As the story goes – I wasn’t on the scene at the time – he was dancing with his bride when her father came to cut in. He passed her off to her father and simultaneously reached out for his own mother, inadvertently leaving our mother-in-law standing alone on the dance floor.
This was almost a decade ago and she hasn’t let it go. How can I help both of them get past this? It makes for uncomfortable dinners and family get-togethers.
Grudge Fudge
Though I strongly appreciate your desire to smooth the waters and help everyone get past this moment of awkward history, I would advise you not to get involved. Thus far you have a clean sheet, which I’m sure your partner is grateful for. He obviously knows what his mother is capable of and would rather not be the recipient of her negativity.
If anything, you could let your brother-in-law know that you recognize he’s getting a hard time and perhaps give him some coping mechanisms, as well as letting him know he shouldn’t take it to heart.
Dear Lisi: My friend is passing judgement on me and I’m not sure how to handle it. She thinks I don’t treat my boyfriend well enough and is constantly telling me what I did wrong, insisting I’m going to lose him, and how I should behave. Her suggestions are Stepford-wife style, which is not how I live my life or what I desire for a relationship.
But she’s getting into my head and under my skin and I wonder if my boyfriend is going to leave me. What do I do?
Judge Judy
First, I would talk to your boyfriend. There’s nothing wrong with checking in on your relationship. Ask him how he feels, if anything is bothering him, if he’d like to talk about anything. If he’s fine, you could discuss the matter in detail with him about what your friend is suggesting and how you feel about that. Hopefully, he’ll laugh with you and you two can go back to living your lives as it works for you.
Second, I would talk to your friend and tell her to mind her own business. That your relationship is solid, that you are not a submissive pleaser, and to back off and out of your relationship.
Dear Readers – Every once in a while, I receive an email that is not someone looking for my advice, nor wanting to discuss advice I have given. Sometimes I just receive messages from people saying nasty things, making rude comments, or trying to pick a fight.
Here is an email I recently received:
“Sometimes I’m tempted to read your column, but the photo of mother and daughter clutching each other is so annoying that I just can’t. I suggest you forego the mother-daughter drama and make a clean transition, if that’s what you intend. Otherwise, I’ll just pass over your column.”
How would you respond to this?
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman afraid of visiting her friend in New York City because she was mugged (April 25):
Reader – “But, that can happen in ANY city, even whereever she presently lives. I strongly suggest she gets the full details regarding the mugging. Was there something DIFFERENT that her friend did that made herself appear as a vulnerable, isolated woman? Had she been consuming alcohol? Basically, did she do something ‘stupid’ that she wouldn’t normally have done?
“I live in Toronto, and there are places I would NEVER walk at night, even with buddies.”
Lisi – I agree with your first and last sentences only, as I also live in Toronto, and there are places I would avoid walking alone at night. However, I do NOT agree with your thought process that this woman’s friend did anything to bring on the mugging. That is like blaming rape victims because of how they were dressed. I don’t believe in blaming victims.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
