Dear Lisi: My dad is a large guy, almost weighing in at 300 pounds. And he’s not that tall, under six feet. I’m the youngest of three brothers, all in our 20s. My next older brother and I have similar builds. We’re taller than our dad, but big-boned and muscular. Our eldest brother is the shortest and the most like dad.
We all know our dad is not a healthy guy and as he ages, his weight becomes more of a concern. Over the years, we’ve tried talking to him, dieting with him, working out with him, taking him to weight-loss doctors, nutritionists and personal trainers. He’s not interested.
Last year, we brothers had a big talk about dad and his health, and we came up with some thoughtful planning and dividing of responsibilities, when they will inevitably arise, i.e., doctor’s appointments, grocery shopping, etc. To our surprise, we two younger brothers are realizing that our eldest brother is following in our dad’s unhealthy footsteps.
How do we help our brother now before it gets too late for him as well?
Fit Fraternity
It sounds as though you have a very close-knit family, which is helpful in situations such as these. You might be able to use both your father and your eldest brother to help each other.
I’m not an advocate of game playing, or going behind people’s backs, but sometimes it can work. Your dad is already aware of your concerns regarding his health and wellness. Perhaps if you two younger boys talked to him about your older brother, enlisting his help to keep your brother healthy, he might end up getting healthy himself.
Conversely, by placing your eldest brother in charge of dad’s exercise, or nutritional intake, he might take charge of his own.
Again, getting the help of professionals is key in this situation, from nutritionists to medical doctors to weight-loss specialists. Remember: You and your middle brother can only do your best to help these two grown men. They’re both adults.
Dear Lisi: I just bumped into a man who caused me a lot of pain many, many years ago. I don’t want to go into details, but he caused me both physical and emotional pain, and I bear the scars of both to this day.
Seeing him was out of context and unexpected. He’s much older and frail now, and at first, I didn’t recognize him for who he is, meaning, I thought he was someone else. When I realized who he was, I had already been my usual happy, friendly self and our encounter was about to end.
I walked away with a smile but now I’m bothered that I didn’t yell at him, for all the pain he caused and all the suffering I’ve gone through. Should I have?
Mad at myself
Rise above your hurt and anger. As you explained to me, it was a long time ago. You have grown, matured and learned to live with the fallout of what this man did to you. (Note to readers: we are not talking about sexual abuse.) And you are no worse off because of it.
Nothing will come of you yelling at him. As you mentioned, he’s old and frail and probably wouldn’t even remember what you are talking about.
So, you’d just be yelling at an old man.
If you need to get it off your chest, and you have a therapist, ask them to role play. If you don’t have a professional you can talk to, ask a friend or family member who knows the story and can handle your outpouring.
Then move on with your life. You’re good.
FEEDBACK regarding the woman no longer in love with her man, but attached to his dog (May 9):
Reader – “A woman meets a man; they make plans for the future. He thinks he has a girlfriend, but she’s ‘no longer feeling it.’ She loves his dog.
“Your advice is to contact him after a few months and see if she can visit the dog.
“So, she breaks his heart, then when he’s feeling better, she contacts him again under the guise of caring about his feelings but it’s all about her and wanting to see his dog.
“I’ve had dogs for 40 years. I love them, so this isn’t anti-dog advice. It is ‘be kind’ advice.
“Here’s the advice. If you don’t love him, break up, then get yourself a dog or volunteer at a shelter.”
Lisi – Good point, but I never suggested she contact him under any guise other than to see the dog.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
