Dear Lisi: My neighbour and I share a driveway. It’s big enough for both of our cars to be parked side by side, and it’s easy enough to get in and out without needing the extra space. We never argue about the driveway as his side is his, and my side is mine, though there’s no line or fence to delineate.
The problem is that for whatever reason, and I cannot tell you why because I don’t know, my neighbour doesn’t like me. If he’s in his car about to get out and sees me getting in or out of mine, he puts his head down, stays in his car, and waits until I either go inside my house or leave.
We sort of moved in at the same time, so I can’t say who was there first. So, I don’t think it’s a proprietary issue.
The first few times I saw him, I called out my greeting. The first time, he scuttled back into his house which left me assuming he didn’t hear me. The second time, he turned the other way and reversed out of the drive, so I assumed he just didn’t see me. But the third time, he literally caught my eye and then pulled his hat down and looked at his lap in his car, waiting for me to disappear.
What do you think is going on and what do I do?
Ignored
I don’t think you should take this personally. Your neighbour’s behaviour sounds more like someone who is painfully shy and avoidant, rather than someone with anger issues. I assume that he lives alone, since you’ve never mentioned any interaction with anyone else.
My suggestions are simple: say a friendly hello, wave and smile whenever you see him but don’t expect anything in return. Your constant and consistent friendliness could appease any fearful anxiety he may have about you.
My other suggestion, if you are so inclined, is to bring him small gifts, like home-baked cookies, a small houseplant, just a note, all thanking him for being an easy neighbour. Lastly, again if you are so inclined, show him kindness by shovelling the whole driveway and not just your side, or blowing the leaves off, or bringing his garbage bins to and from the road for him.
It’s these small gestures that might just break through his uneasiness/nerves/fear. Or not. Neither you nor I can guess what he’s feeling.
Dear Lisi: My wife is in advertising. She took shortened maternity leaves after both our children were born because she felt she needed to get back to business. She travels frequently for work, but makes a very good living and we have a nice life as a result.
We had a live-in helper from the time our first child was six months old, who basically took care of the children during the work day. She is a lovely woman and became part of our family. Right before COVID-19 started, she went home to her country for a visit and got stuck there for over a year. Then her mom became terribly ill and she chose to stay with her.
For a while we were fine as we were all home online, school and work. It was a nice time period for our family to really be together. Now the kids are older, life is back to normal, and my wife is back on the road. But we all need her.
How can I get her to stay home more?
Lonely Dad
Big question. Your wife loves her work, enjoys the travel, feels successful and accomplished and makes great money. Hard to give any of that up. Together you could discuss a lighter travel schedule, for now, even if it means a slightly lower income, while the kids need her present.
FEEDBACK Regarding the bride-to-be not inviting someone to her wedding (Oct.5):
Reader — “You just suggested that the bride-to-be make up some kind of irrefutable excuse. Your advice for someone to be dishonest regarding a friend and colleague involved in a truly awkward situation is deceitful. Attempting to protect someone’s feelings should not include lying through one’s teeth. That’s not how we fix things. Not in my world anyway.”
Lisi — Though I appreciate your disregard for dishonesty — and to be clear, lying is not how I go through my day-to-day — I suggested the bride-to-be tell what is known as a “white lie,” the definition of which is a harmless or trivial lie, especially one told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
The point here was to avoid hurting her co-teacher’s feelings for peaceful coexistence in the workplace.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
