Dear Lisi: My boyfriend and I have been together since high school. We chose the same university but not for each other. We hoped we would continue our relationship, and we made it work for two years.
So, we were together for four years until it ended badly. I caught him cheating with one of my roommates. It was very messy, especially for her since it’s my apartment. I kicked her out with the help of my uncle who is a lawyer specializing in landlord/tenant relations.
Luckily for me, it happened at the end of the school year and I had fantastic summer plans lined up. He and I were supposed to meet partway through the summer, but I cancelled that part of my trip. And I had an amazing summer.
But now school has started up again and I feel my old feelings boiling up inside me, regarding him, her, and the anger of finding them together. I’m also scared and sad because he and I were so close, and our friends were all intermingled, including my roommate. I’m anxious about how this school year is going to go.
I don’t know if they’re still together, or if they’ve spent the summer together. I’m really scared that I’m the one going to be kicked out of the group. What should I do?
Back to Reality
The first thing you have to do is hold your head up high and know that you did nothing wrong. Four years is a long relationship for teenagers, but that doesn’t give him the right to end it the way he did.
You can bank on the fact that the group will probably break up from its original form. There will be some people who remain friends with him and find it hard to be friends with you too; and vice versa. That’s OK. The ones you love the most will stay by your side.
You will lose two friends for sure – him and her, but you’ve already lost them, whether they’re still together or not. Neither can be considered good friends anymore, anyway.
Get in touch with your next closest friend and go out for lunch. Talk to him/her about their summer and open up about your concerns and worries. Get their feedback and a good reading on the situation. Then continue living your life as you were before the “incident” just minus these two. And be open to meeting new people, making new friendships and having new adventures.
I promise you that though this seems like the only thing that matters, soon it will be a distant memory.
Dear Lisi: My boyfriend wants to take me on a camping trip before we start our new jobs post-university. I love the idea of a romantic getaway, but I’m not excited about going into the woods just the two of us. I trust him implicitly from a safety standard, and know that he knows what he’s doing. But I’m just scared.
I love camping trips, having gone on many as a child with my family, often with another family along. And I enjoyed those same trips when I went with groups of friends in the summer. I guess, for me, it’s safety in numbers.
I don’t want to upset him but I’m not comfortable. What do I do?
Cautious Camper
You have to be honest with your boyfriend. Tell him that you love the idea of a romantic weekend, and you enjoy camping, but not at the same time. Explain to him that you’ll be too scared to be romantic and neither of you will enjoy the weekend.
Change your plans and bring another couple along on the camping trip, or find another romantic way to spend the weekend.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who thinks her husband might be cheating (July 27):
Reader — “I don’t have advice other than she must be patient and forthright.
“Here’s my story: Back in the early ‘70s, I was an HVAC tech. It was a 24/7 job that covered a large territory; I was expected to work nights, weekends and holidays, rain or shine. I’d frequently get called in the middle of the night and after a while, my wife thought I was cheating. That is until she found me sacked out on the couch, fully clothed and stinky with two days growth on my face.
“The revelation was, who’d want to be with me like this? This week, we’re married 50 years.”
Lisi — Thank you for this. It’s all perspective. I can understand why your wife was worried — all signs led to something being awry. Open communication and trust are imperative in every relationship.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
